I've decided that I'm done, on a whole, of putting up with being treated like shit by people who claim to be my friends.
I have one in particular, who I'm just now finding after 9 years has done nothing but be nice to me only because she knew that I would do anything for her. But now when things hit a bump and I cannot help her in exactly the way she demands she becomes spiteful and hateful saying things only to hurt people in order to make them feel bad and apologize so she can continue to get her way.
I love being able to help my friends but when it comes out that I've basically been used for 9 years and that she's only grateful when things are good and given to her exactly the way she wants I don't take kindly to that.
I have another, who sadly lost it one night and owes herself a huge apology for the way she portrayed herself to others. I can at least say that she wasn't just my friend to use me and I'm still a bit sad about us not speaking but when she creates and environment where people who have never met her leave her presence having no respect for her and that's only being around her for a couple of hours I don't need to deal with an attitude like that on top of everything else that I have to deal with. Nor do I need to show my daughter that it is OK for adults to throw 2-year-old style temper tantrums with throwing suitcases against walls, stomping around and slamming doors of a home, whether or not you own that property you're abusing at the time. Her spirit deserves an apology.
I hope that someday she can get to the root of whatever caused her to show a complete lack of self-respect and have people who've never met her describing her in ways I won't even put on here because they are that brutal because she has a lot to offer everyone if she'd just let Jesus fix that which is hurting so deeply.
The first person I refer to in this blog showed how little she really knows me after 9 years by a text message she sent me trying to cut deep enough that I guess she'd expect me to come grovelling back.
I will admit, up until college I really went through life with almost no close friends. I always got along better with adults than people my own age, and that still rings true. I always relied on myself and Christ.
As I've grown in my faith I have found that if you really do have a good relationship with Jesus then you can honestly say that you can live without pretty much anyone. Now, granted, no parent ever wants to bury their child, so I can say I'd rather bury my husband than Elena if I had to decide, as I think most mothers would. But other than that choice if I have to be all alone in order to be in a right relationship with Jesus then I'd do it in a heartbeat.
She obviously doesn't know that because she tries to strike close enough to my heart by hurtful comments about losing her friendship and ad hominim attacks and it doesn't have its intended effect. I could tell the other day when she sent one of her last text messages that I was definately in the Spirit because other time when I hadn't been a comment or two of hers cut deeply, but this last time my spirit just got a whisper of 'She doesn't know you, does she?' with the added comfort that comes with the surrounding of the Holy Spirit. It is, unfortunately, a feeling I do not allow myself to have often enough.
Can I get a ' I hate my humanity' witness here in the house?????
There is no reason to surround yourself with people who treat you like shit - and do not build you up in Jesus. This, however, is different than having people in your social circle who do love you but are not at the same level of faith as yourself. I've been doing that for a long time. Hell, my marriage is a perfect example of this. Even those who are not Christian can still add flavor to your life if they are the right types of people and you should never forsake those friendships unless they bring you down or there are mitigating circumstances that make that relationship unhealthy.
If I really want to look back at the truest friends I've ever had that I lost I'd say the only one on that list is Rich. I've kinda lost Myla only because she moved to Texas and has this thing against computers and using her cell phone. But I still have Sheryl and Paul and in reality, that's all I really need, and even then if they were to go the hole in my spirit would be bigger than the one left by Rich's death but I would still go on. Only then would I really feel truly alone in terms of human kindred spirits. And to me, that doesn't seem like a bad place to be in - but I also can't wrap up my maturity in Jesus completely in those friendships, either, or when I do lose them to death I will stagnate worse than I am now after losing Rich.
There is that difference between a friend and a kindred spirit. Friends come and go, it hurts to a degree when the time to end a friendship comes but when you look at it if it doesn't involve a kindred spirit then the ability to move past it is unmeasurably easier than to lose someone who's closer to you and knows you better than your husband, than any other human on the face of the earth - only a step below the Holy Spirit at times. And usually that kindred spirit is a voice of the Holy Spirit and when you have that you learn the true value of the different kinds of friends.
I was accused at one point by Pastor Asshole II (btw Pastor Asshole I has been removed from the church and it happened around the same time as Jerry Falwell's death and when I heard the news I couldn't decide for which I was happier for - Jerry being scorched to almost nothing on the other side of eternity in the purificaiton fires or Pastor Asshole I being removed by the church, it really was a toss-up) of being a loner of sorts. I smiled smugly and he didn't take too kindly to that.
Sorry, when you've been through what I've been through in my life you learn that the only thing you need is the love of Jesus and a right relationship to him and humans really become nothing of huge importance to you except for when the Spirit tells you to make someone a priority in your life. I'd rather be alone with no or few humans around to talk to and be in a right relationship to Jesus. How many people can understand that? Not many.
It was also when he said that I knew the resurgence of the minion of Hell that's been chasing me for at least 5 years was immediately present in my presence and I knew where I needed to be in Jesus to make it through that hour of revelation of where the Pastors Assholes stood in their relationship with Jesus. Eh, I came through that fire unscathed and the demon was left without it's prize. Is. 54. No truer words ever spoken about my life. And some still ring true more than others today. (from biblegateway.com):
14 In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you.
15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;
17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me,"
declares the LORD.
There is a good thing about that kindredship with others, you know when they rebuke you in love. If they tell you you're being an asshole you know they do it in love, no matter how harshly they say it. Even others who are not as kindred can give that revelation from the Holy Spirit, but you must be in a good relationship with Jesus in order to know when that rubke is out of love and not out of hurting just to hurt.
You also have to be a big enough person to recognize then when you've been an ass and not be too proud to say so. There are always two sides to a story and if even handling it with grace you can screw up at points. And then there are times where even handling it with grace there is still nothing you can do because the other person is not in a place in their maturity with Jesus to have a loving rebuke mean anything other than you're trying to be hurtful and they won't understand where it came from nor will they recognize their faults in the situation until that right relationship with Jesus happens.
If we can claim the grace of Jesus then we can claim the wretchedness of our humanity in the same stretch. Part of me just wants to say, can't we all act like the adults most of us are?!!!!???? But, the other part of me realizes that if there is no strong tie to Jesus then you can't expect that of anyone and continue to love them in their imperfections and await for the sonufabitch moment when the reality of their wretched humanity becomes clearer and truer than anything else they've ever known.
I remember that moment. It will scare the living shit out of you to realize the horribleness of yourself away from Jesus. The repentence and prostration before Jesus in that moment is so great, but the redemption in that revelation is so amazing that you will never look at life and yourself the same again. It also gives you a new perspective on what you did over the many years, and in that moment, you must remain in the Spirit as it is great fodder for Satan to stick his claws in and twist into control of the misery that he can create. But in the misery that is looking at yourself the way Jesus sees you away from Himself comes that redemption and freedom that you know who you are away from Jesus and you work harder not to be there ever again.
You treat people a little diffently. You look at actions based on right relationship with Jesus or are they not there yet. And in that you're more patient with people, but you put up with less shit as well. You know the truth behind the value of a kindredness with another human and you do separate yourself from more people, but, your level of forgiveness and patience with people to get to that moment with Jesus is 1000x-fold and open arms await those who make the trip back after the revelation.
You can't expect people to act in a mature way about their relationships, nor perfect. Everyone reverts back to their humanity at times. Even Sheryl in all her amazing gifts for being in the spirit has reverted to her humanity and it has caused a rift between us, but, even with that the Spirit healed both sides and we're closer than before. But that only has happened because of being in a right relationship with Jesus. It wouldn't have happened had we not been. There's no hard feelings, no mention of the things that happened because you know that Jesus has dealt with it.
I wish more of that could happen between more people in my past, but I doubt it. Those with real, true, understanding of what it means to be a Christian and in a relationship with Jesus are so few and far between you might only meet a handful in our 80-100 years on the Earth. How many can say that would be enough for them?
I can't tell you how many times my conversations, typically after 10 p.m., with Sheryl begin 'I hate my humanity!'. I don't even say hello, I don't say who it is and what do I get? I get that gruff smoker's laugh that lifts my spirit as the collaboration of one who's had that revelation and understand exactly what I mean. I'm smiling even now as I think of the countless calls. Thank Jesus for those people in my life. I must run up my phone bill more often.
OK, so I know my last few paragraphs were a little jumbled, but like I said, it's called mental puking for a reason.
I'm having trouble with the new beta version of draft.blogger.com so I'll try and get video up sooner than later, but it may have to wait until I get some time in Miami.
Love to all - I feel better now :)
La. Sra.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Mental Puking Vol. I
This was posted last night to Blurty and MySpace, my apologies for not getting it on here last night.
-------------------------------------
I just spent 30 minutes doing this on MySpace only to have it hiccup and I've lost it. So now I'm a bit pissed off, but, I'll go ahead and re-type this anyway.
So - for starters, I'm going to ask forgiveness ahead of time for the insanity of the next few postings. They will be a bit discombobulated as my mind tries to work through things. Try to follow along. I think having a drink in your system might make following it a bit better.
I'm going to start the world of mental puking with the good stuff. Not the juicy shit that will be in the next few posts, but, the really amazing things going on in my life. I've focused a bit too much on the negative lately and I've nearly gotten to the breaking point more than once, but when I step back and look, there really are a lot of good things going on and I need to say so.
First of all, I love our new church. I remember at my wedding my best friend asked the name of the lady who sang during the service (her name is Janet). She told me Janet really had the Spirit of the Lord upon her and the family was blessed and protected in many ways because of their relationship with her and the family. My friend told me to stay near her because of that. I have not forgotten those words so when I was looking seriously for a new church that came back to me and I went with Elena and we've not left.
I feel very safe there. Even if I don't quite agree with 100 percent of everything I don't feel that saying I'm not sure about it would be recieved with hatred as it has been in the past. I don't sense that my child would be in danger of being mistreated inorder to get to me here and that is my number one concern. I really truly feel safe there and many people look at me wierd when I say that, but you know, when you can forsee your child having people mistreat them to get a parent to leave a church you make that a top concern.
Speaking of Elena, we've taken our first few steps just last week and she is walking quite a bit more now. We'll get her to do about 10-15 steps tops at a time, but she's cute walking but still thinks crawling is the fastest and less painful way to reach her destination. I'm sure she'll be running here in the next few weeks after the cats, but, I'm hoping to get a little bit of video of her walking up on the blogspot blog here in the next week or so. Don't miss!!!
In addition, at the end of church service, Janet sings as people mix and mingle and leave. Elena has this great activity of making a B-line for the front of the church after service and lets Janet pick her up and Janet hands her the microphone. Last Sunday Elena could be heard humming the song under Janet's voice.
I was talking to one of the ladys after that and she said that Elena is destined to be a musician and/or an evangelist. I typically would have brushed that comment off, but this church is very much in the Spirit and into prophetic revelation and something about that comment just struck a bit too deep to ignore and brush off. It was as if many of the things I had been thinking made a bit more sense. Those are words I intend to keep with me for a while and see what happens. There is just something about the spirit behind what she said that still strikes me even talking about it.
I have signed up for a class given by the church on the book of Acts. It will start at the end of August. The church is working on getting full accreditation to be a Bible college so they can confer degrees and titles upon people but I'm really just hoping for some in-depth discussion. I feel like my brain has done not a lot since graduation and things within the year after and I'm excited at the idea of giving it a workout again. I went to the ND bookstore Sunday and just got somewhat depressed that I can't find decent graduate classes to take. I know I can do Univ. of St. Louis online or drive to and from Western Michigan if I can get in and really study what I want, but I'm still torn between the job and the family.
Speaking of the job - I have been told we will still have jobs through next year. That eases me a bit, but, every year at this time it gets pretty tense especially since we don't have grant guidance on what items we need to have met next year and were told today we won't get it until Oct. 31 at the earliest bc the feds are restructuring how they are managing and disbursing the monies to the locals. Only time will tell.
So I'm hoping if I get into this class I will be able to not feel so weak-minded. I have no one around me to have deep philosophical discussions with and I just feel like my mind has wasted a bit since losing those around me with which I had deep discussions. I know I should call Sheryl more often but she has a lot on her plate as do I and I only call her anymore when I'm really in a situation where I desperately need good solid advice and guidance on how to get through something the way Christ wants.
Only time will tell. I hope to have some good news on that front here soon.
The new car is still awesome! I love my Acadia. It actually makes 800 miles a week exciting. I am also going to definately sign up to continue the XM radio service. It completely kicks ass, except in the sports category, and worth every one of the 13 bucks a month.
With all the good comes the pick pick picking of evil and today I got picked on again and I could tell I was in the Spirit from the way my immediate reaction was to one of the backstabs. It's a great thing, the peace of Jesus. I just wish I could get there more often.
I shall produce volume II later.
La. Sra.
-------------------------------------
I just spent 30 minutes doing this on MySpace only to have it hiccup and I've lost it. So now I'm a bit pissed off, but, I'll go ahead and re-type this anyway.
So - for starters, I'm going to ask forgiveness ahead of time for the insanity of the next few postings. They will be a bit discombobulated as my mind tries to work through things. Try to follow along. I think having a drink in your system might make following it a bit better.
I'm going to start the world of mental puking with the good stuff. Not the juicy shit that will be in the next few posts, but, the really amazing things going on in my life. I've focused a bit too much on the negative lately and I've nearly gotten to the breaking point more than once, but when I step back and look, there really are a lot of good things going on and I need to say so.
First of all, I love our new church. I remember at my wedding my best friend asked the name of the lady who sang during the service (her name is Janet). She told me Janet really had the Spirit of the Lord upon her and the family was blessed and protected in many ways because of their relationship with her and the family. My friend told me to stay near her because of that. I have not forgotten those words so when I was looking seriously for a new church that came back to me and I went with Elena and we've not left.
I feel very safe there. Even if I don't quite agree with 100 percent of everything I don't feel that saying I'm not sure about it would be recieved with hatred as it has been in the past. I don't sense that my child would be in danger of being mistreated inorder to get to me here and that is my number one concern. I really truly feel safe there and many people look at me wierd when I say that, but you know, when you can forsee your child having people mistreat them to get a parent to leave a church you make that a top concern.
Speaking of Elena, we've taken our first few steps just last week and she is walking quite a bit more now. We'll get her to do about 10-15 steps tops at a time, but she's cute walking but still thinks crawling is the fastest and less painful way to reach her destination. I'm sure she'll be running here in the next few weeks after the cats, but, I'm hoping to get a little bit of video of her walking up on the blogspot blog here in the next week or so. Don't miss!!!
In addition, at the end of church service, Janet sings as people mix and mingle and leave. Elena has this great activity of making a B-line for the front of the church after service and lets Janet pick her up and Janet hands her the microphone. Last Sunday Elena could be heard humming the song under Janet's voice.
I was talking to one of the ladys after that and she said that Elena is destined to be a musician and/or an evangelist. I typically would have brushed that comment off, but this church is very much in the Spirit and into prophetic revelation and something about that comment just struck a bit too deep to ignore and brush off. It was as if many of the things I had been thinking made a bit more sense. Those are words I intend to keep with me for a while and see what happens. There is just something about the spirit behind what she said that still strikes me even talking about it.
I have signed up for a class given by the church on the book of Acts. It will start at the end of August. The church is working on getting full accreditation to be a Bible college so they can confer degrees and titles upon people but I'm really just hoping for some in-depth discussion. I feel like my brain has done not a lot since graduation and things within the year after and I'm excited at the idea of giving it a workout again. I went to the ND bookstore Sunday and just got somewhat depressed that I can't find decent graduate classes to take. I know I can do Univ. of St. Louis online or drive to and from Western Michigan if I can get in and really study what I want, but I'm still torn between the job and the family.
Speaking of the job - I have been told we will still have jobs through next year. That eases me a bit, but, every year at this time it gets pretty tense especially since we don't have grant guidance on what items we need to have met next year and were told today we won't get it until Oct. 31 at the earliest bc the feds are restructuring how they are managing and disbursing the monies to the locals. Only time will tell.
So I'm hoping if I get into this class I will be able to not feel so weak-minded. I have no one around me to have deep philosophical discussions with and I just feel like my mind has wasted a bit since losing those around me with which I had deep discussions. I know I should call Sheryl more often but she has a lot on her plate as do I and I only call her anymore when I'm really in a situation where I desperately need good solid advice and guidance on how to get through something the way Christ wants.
Only time will tell. I hope to have some good news on that front here soon.
The new car is still awesome! I love my Acadia. It actually makes 800 miles a week exciting. I am also going to definately sign up to continue the XM radio service. It completely kicks ass, except in the sports category, and worth every one of the 13 bucks a month.
With all the good comes the pick pick picking of evil and today I got picked on again and I could tell I was in the Spirit from the way my immediate reaction was to one of the backstabs. It's a great thing, the peace of Jesus. I just wish I could get there more often.
I shall produce volume II later.
La. Sra.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
El Classico
I probably misspelled Classico but the Boca - River games starts in 33 minutes.
The River fans rushed the police secruity gates and caused a scene but it looks like everything is ok.
I do want to go to this game someday. It is part of my list of games around the world to go to just to say I've been.
15 days to Elena's first birthday. I was just back at my OB-GYN group Friday to get my last dose of the HPV vaccine and I was recounting the story of her birth.
So in true Ali form - here's one dedicated to my beautiful, rotten, spoiled, incredible little miracle.
I was hoping you'd come around Easter in 06. You would have been a month early, but after the scare of having low amnio fluid a week or two earlier, I was ready to have you out.
Dr. Moon had measured me the week before and my belly was a good 1-2 cm. smaller than the week before and she said in passing that if the ultrasound we were about to have turned out the fluid was too low we'd go to surgery. Our bags were at home, 3 hours away, and your dad and I were like - ummm, we can do it tomorrow morning, but we have to get home to get our stuff (including your carseat).
But all turned out well and you didn't have to come that early, nor did you come around Easter.
My other two preggers friends had their babies soon thereafter. One on a Thursday, I think, and the other on that Sunday morning. You, my dear, were still a month off.
The Friday before your due date Dr. White tried the accupuncture to induce and it didn't work. It would have been nice since Dr. Moon was on call that weekend.
So the next Friday we went in for ultrasound again to check fluid and the normal checkup. The office was running behind but we finally got in and Dr. Moon said if you weren't born over the weekend (Dr. White was on call so we had complete confidence in who would deliver you) we'd induce on Monday night.
Right after we got done Dr. White buzzed over to our side of the office and Dr. Moon told her this was her last shot she had to make the accupuncture work as we were inducing Monday. Dr. White said 'Cool, I love a challenge' and marched us into a free exam room.
As soon as she got the door shut she said, 'You don't want to induce with meds, and we're desperate so I'm going to hit every point. Sorry if this hurts.' The pinki toes were the most painful but still not bad. After 45 minutes we left and headed home, hoping we'd be back the next day bc of the accupuncture.
I woke up the next morning and noticed my mucus plug falling out. I didn't tell anyone in case I was getting my hopes up but I know at that point the accupuncture had at least worked to some degree.
We went over to the abuelos and hung out and I still didn't mention anything but going to Carmel again on Monday for induction. We knew you'd be here by Tuesday.
Dad and I went to bed around 10 that night and everything seemed normal. At 11:48 I woke up as I felt and I swear I also heard a 'pop' and then what felt like a small gush.
I got up and went to the bathroom and sure enough my water had broken.
I yelled at dad from the bathroom to get up and he was completely startled out of a dead sleep. He got me the phone and I called the answering service for the dr's office. Dr. White called back and I told her she had done this to me. Her repsonse - get down here.
As I got dressed and made sure everything was packed dad called abuelos to let them know we were going. Unfortunately they couldn't go with us, but they knew what was going on.
We packed the car and left at 12:15. I didn't feel any pressure or contractions at the time so I drove. I should have known at that point something wasn't quite right but I was more worried about making the 140-some mile drive in the driving rain (it had been raining for almost a week straight).
We were passing the Starbucks at 23 and Ironwood, about 7 minutes into our trip and your dad asked if we could stop. I'm not shitting you - he really did ask. Someday you'll understand the look I gave him. I told him if I was doing ok in Kokomo I'd think about stopping, but we were charging on.
I called aunt Deb to see if should could give the Peru State Police Post a heads up that we were headed that way so they'd not stop us if we were really speeding and I later found out she did call but her fried wasn't working that night. I talked to grandma and grandpa a couple of times, too, to let them know we were all ok, and I called aunt Heather to let her know you'd be here by Monday so she could come see you on her day off.
The drive was uneventful, minus the occassional hydroplaning at 85 mph, and we did the 3-3.5 hour drive in exactly 2 hours. We probably averaged 75 the whole way. Momma never did get stopped by the coppers.
I got set up at the hospital and after 8 attempts they got the IV in my hand. I started having blood pressure issues and my contractions were still nothing so I got pumped up with pitocin and eventually had to have an epidural (after a couple of hits of stadol). My advice to you, young one, if when you have kids they say, you need pitocin, don't let them until you have the epidural. It's not worth enduring. Dr. White did do some accupuncture for pain before they really cranked up the pitocin and it worked, but after a certain point, nothing but major drugs injected into the spinal area will work.
Around 3 p.m. I woke up out of my drug haze to see Dr. White at the foot of my bed saying she thought we had to go to surgery. After several times of saying I didn't want to go to surgery I heard someone say, 'the baby's heartrate is dropping with every contraction and we can stop the contractions and prolong the inevetable or we can go to surgery, which we will have to do anyway.'
At that point we decided to go to surgery. I remember helping Dad get the camera ready and getting wheeled into the hallway. I don't remember much before hearing you cry and Dad say 'It's a girl'. You had done so many acrobatics that the cord had wrapped around your neck twice. Quite the drama queen. The nurses also said you were the diva of that week, too, in the nursery, so it's been predestined. God help us in 8-10 years.
I saw you for a moment before Dad took you to meet Aunt Jena and the grandparents. While I was in recovery grandpa and Jena got photos of you and Dad decided to add the Josephina to your name. You can thank him for the insane length of your name, even though it's goregous. I was on too many drugs at the time to think through the consequence of the long name. I'm sorry you won't be able to spell it before you're 10 years old, but, it's still pretty.
We were in the hospital until Thrusday. Aunt Heather and the abuelos came over on Monday and you saw the other grandparents almost every day. Mom even got some Donatos thanks to grandpa.
Dr. Moon said I could stay an extra day since we had so far to go to get home. When we did get home, Dad had to immediately had to go out and get cat litter because Monty was out and the box was full and I think, milk.
So - thats how you went from riding around with me for 10 months in the car, poking me in the side with that elbow of yours to being here in the flesh - with all your glorious personality.
I love you and I can't believe it's been a year already. I just hope you're ready for a little brother or sister hopefully next year!!!!
Te amo mucho, mi hijita,
momma - aka. La. Sra.
The River fans rushed the police secruity gates and caused a scene but it looks like everything is ok.
I do want to go to this game someday. It is part of my list of games around the world to go to just to say I've been.
15 days to Elena's first birthday. I was just back at my OB-GYN group Friday to get my last dose of the HPV vaccine and I was recounting the story of her birth.
So in true Ali form - here's one dedicated to my beautiful, rotten, spoiled, incredible little miracle.
I was hoping you'd come around Easter in 06. You would have been a month early, but after the scare of having low amnio fluid a week or two earlier, I was ready to have you out.
Dr. Moon had measured me the week before and my belly was a good 1-2 cm. smaller than the week before and she said in passing that if the ultrasound we were about to have turned out the fluid was too low we'd go to surgery. Our bags were at home, 3 hours away, and your dad and I were like - ummm, we can do it tomorrow morning, but we have to get home to get our stuff (including your carseat).
But all turned out well and you didn't have to come that early, nor did you come around Easter.
My other two preggers friends had their babies soon thereafter. One on a Thursday, I think, and the other on that Sunday morning. You, my dear, were still a month off.
The Friday before your due date Dr. White tried the accupuncture to induce and it didn't work. It would have been nice since Dr. Moon was on call that weekend.
So the next Friday we went in for ultrasound again to check fluid and the normal checkup. The office was running behind but we finally got in and Dr. Moon said if you weren't born over the weekend (Dr. White was on call so we had complete confidence in who would deliver you) we'd induce on Monday night.
Right after we got done Dr. White buzzed over to our side of the office and Dr. Moon told her this was her last shot she had to make the accupuncture work as we were inducing Monday. Dr. White said 'Cool, I love a challenge' and marched us into a free exam room.
As soon as she got the door shut she said, 'You don't want to induce with meds, and we're desperate so I'm going to hit every point. Sorry if this hurts.' The pinki toes were the most painful but still not bad. After 45 minutes we left and headed home, hoping we'd be back the next day bc of the accupuncture.
I woke up the next morning and noticed my mucus plug falling out. I didn't tell anyone in case I was getting my hopes up but I know at that point the accupuncture had at least worked to some degree.
We went over to the abuelos and hung out and I still didn't mention anything but going to Carmel again on Monday for induction. We knew you'd be here by Tuesday.
Dad and I went to bed around 10 that night and everything seemed normal. At 11:48 I woke up as I felt and I swear I also heard a 'pop' and then what felt like a small gush.
I got up and went to the bathroom and sure enough my water had broken.
I yelled at dad from the bathroom to get up and he was completely startled out of a dead sleep. He got me the phone and I called the answering service for the dr's office. Dr. White called back and I told her she had done this to me. Her repsonse - get down here.
As I got dressed and made sure everything was packed dad called abuelos to let them know we were going. Unfortunately they couldn't go with us, but they knew what was going on.
We packed the car and left at 12:15. I didn't feel any pressure or contractions at the time so I drove. I should have known at that point something wasn't quite right but I was more worried about making the 140-some mile drive in the driving rain (it had been raining for almost a week straight).
We were passing the Starbucks at 23 and Ironwood, about 7 minutes into our trip and your dad asked if we could stop. I'm not shitting you - he really did ask. Someday you'll understand the look I gave him. I told him if I was doing ok in Kokomo I'd think about stopping, but we were charging on.
I called aunt Deb to see if should could give the Peru State Police Post a heads up that we were headed that way so they'd not stop us if we were really speeding and I later found out she did call but her fried wasn't working that night. I talked to grandma and grandpa a couple of times, too, to let them know we were all ok, and I called aunt Heather to let her know you'd be here by Monday so she could come see you on her day off.
The drive was uneventful, minus the occassional hydroplaning at 85 mph, and we did the 3-3.5 hour drive in exactly 2 hours. We probably averaged 75 the whole way. Momma never did get stopped by the coppers.
I got set up at the hospital and after 8 attempts they got the IV in my hand. I started having blood pressure issues and my contractions were still nothing so I got pumped up with pitocin and eventually had to have an epidural (after a couple of hits of stadol). My advice to you, young one, if when you have kids they say, you need pitocin, don't let them until you have the epidural. It's not worth enduring. Dr. White did do some accupuncture for pain before they really cranked up the pitocin and it worked, but after a certain point, nothing but major drugs injected into the spinal area will work.
Around 3 p.m. I woke up out of my drug haze to see Dr. White at the foot of my bed saying she thought we had to go to surgery. After several times of saying I didn't want to go to surgery I heard someone say, 'the baby's heartrate is dropping with every contraction and we can stop the contractions and prolong the inevetable or we can go to surgery, which we will have to do anyway.'
At that point we decided to go to surgery. I remember helping Dad get the camera ready and getting wheeled into the hallway. I don't remember much before hearing you cry and Dad say 'It's a girl'. You had done so many acrobatics that the cord had wrapped around your neck twice. Quite the drama queen. The nurses also said you were the diva of that week, too, in the nursery, so it's been predestined. God help us in 8-10 years.
I saw you for a moment before Dad took you to meet Aunt Jena and the grandparents. While I was in recovery grandpa and Jena got photos of you and Dad decided to add the Josephina to your name. You can thank him for the insane length of your name, even though it's goregous. I was on too many drugs at the time to think through the consequence of the long name. I'm sorry you won't be able to spell it before you're 10 years old, but, it's still pretty.
We were in the hospital until Thrusday. Aunt Heather and the abuelos came over on Monday and you saw the other grandparents almost every day. Mom even got some Donatos thanks to grandpa.
Dr. Moon said I could stay an extra day since we had so far to go to get home. When we did get home, Dad had to immediately had to go out and get cat litter because Monty was out and the box was full and I think, milk.
So - thats how you went from riding around with me for 10 months in the car, poking me in the side with that elbow of yours to being here in the flesh - with all your glorious personality.
I love you and I can't believe it's been a year already. I just hope you're ready for a little brother or sister hopefully next year!!!!
Te amo mucho, mi hijita,
momma - aka. La. Sra.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Pain without love
I went to church again on Sunday. It was good and there in that little room where service was being held I realized something -
I really prefer to be around those who have little and value it than the suburbia residents from the church I used to attend.
Does this mean I don't like those I met at the other church, absolutely not, but there is a different depth to the faith of those who don't live in cookie cutter neighborhoods.
I had a friend remark to me once that she walked away from associating herself with the church because all she ever learned there never reconciled to the things she had experienced in her life. You know what - I applaud her for doing that and will almost always support anyone's decision to make that move.
I may yapper on about the things I've learned and that which I know is absolutely true but it doesn't mean that I expect everyone who reads to agree, nor do I do it for the benefit of those who have done the same thing my friend has. I'm not trying to talk them back to a relationship with Jesus - that's something they need to work out themselves in a time that suits them.
I do, however, love a good conversation on different worldviews that can remain civil and deep. It doesn't mean I'm looking to push people into agreeing with my thinking, it just simply means I love having solid discussions and expanding my mind.
This goes back to free will, but if you look at the way most Christians work, especially those who feel more aligned with a political action committee than Jesus, you have the free will to do whatever you like so long as your actions don't go against the Bible - whether or not you have a relationship with Jesus. Free will is so much more than that.
Go back to when Jesus walked the Earth. He really understood free will. One of the main examples is when the wealthy young ruler turns down Jesus's instruction on how to get into the Kingdom. The ruler turned away.
Did Jesus chase after him? No.
Did Jesus lobby a lawmaker to make all people do as he said? No.
Jesus simply went on his way. That's the beauty of free will. We have the choice to pick Jesus or something different. Jesus doesn't typically do things to us to blatently to get our attention. He waits. Granted, I have had my share of spiritual ass kickings that have done more than their fair share of attention getting, but in reality, Jesus simply waits for us to be ready and there are times when we think we're not for a wake-up call but, we should not ignore the small things as sometimes when those are ignored bigger prods could be next.
I like this church not only because the things in the lives of the congregants are not perfect, but in addtion, the preacher has a standard full time job.
I appreciate preachers like that. Too many times those who work in full time Christian work fail to really understand what the outside world goes through because they are trapped in the bubble. It sounded like the preacher had a position that gives him good exposure to all types of people. I think that issues goes back to the reconciliation factor. If you're not around everyday non-Christian types you lose perspective on what many people seem to really be about.
I also like the fact that it is smaller. Too many times I feel that the majority of churches see growth as a sign of prosperity in the faith.
Unfortunately many times it's farther for the truth. Churches that see a great, quick surge in attendance may be compromising message for growth. There are benefits to growing - increased revenue, visible effects of a strong message of Jesus's redemption - but it should be slow. There is no way in some of the churches I've been in that you can effectively continue the growth of the faith of those you have when you have such a fast influx.
Once a church gets sucked into the growth factor it seems as if that's all they really put their focus on. We can bring all these people in and grow and have more masses convert. It's a joke when you look at the things that seem to bring in the growth.
Some churches have gone to building messages solely around pop culture staples like 24, American Idol and The Matrix. Others have cut out so much of their sermons that you get 15 minutes or so of message and the rest is kicking music. That's the entertainment factor.
The biggest let down I see here is the number of half-asses Christians you get when you compromise messages. The people at those churches will retort - but we're seeker driven. Ehhhh - wrong. If you want people who are really seeking a deep relationship with Jesus you won't be entertaining them - you'll be preaching straight from the Holy Spirit and trust me, doing that will NOT grow your church the way you've seen it. The real seekers will relate to pain and hardships and the soul stinging message that goes along with being in those situations.
Those seeking entertainment with a message that makes them think they've gotten some kernal of faith expansion will probably run the other way when a true message of redemption is given. As Kierkgaard said, the true message of Jesus is going to offend people. Its offensive for people to hear they are sinners and in need of redemption. How many peple react poorly when criticism is given, even in love? The half-dozen people I've met that understand the truth know that it's difficult for people to really cheerfully take the truth to heart.
With so many people in churches today who are more entertainment seekers than truth seekers what will happen when that which we have done is tested by the purification fires on the other side of eternity? How many will be left with nothing? Sad to say, most will, and unfortunately, it may not be entirely their fault.
So where did it all go wrong? That's what I'd like to know. It seems like something has been lost in the training of the pastorate. I've discussed, sometimes not so kindly, with those with divinity degrees the basics of the faith and they have no clue. These basic things should have been day 1 of undergrad, but they're leaving graduate studies without this knowledge and then how many people are they putting eternal possession in jeopardy by leading a church with no knowledge?
((Unrelated side note, I just saw a news clip of Michael Jackson and whats wrong with the world when his hair looks better than mine and most of Europe's soccer roster))
I've read more than just a few blog entries lately of people near my age quite unhappy about the state of the church they have been attending or at least the value of the message. There's not a lot that can be done, sadly, except to say something and put yourself at risk of being ostracized or kicked out of your church. I've been through that.
I've also tried to see how many people would comment on some of my more deep postings online and I have not had much biting from readers. That's why discussion is so vital between those who are looking for something better than what bullshit is coming from the pulpit. It's definately not easy to find those who understand or are even willing to discuss their beliefs in a civil way so use them when you find them.
I can go on for hours and hours on different topics and I know that this is quite disjointed, but, there will definately be more of these posts to come. If that turns ya off, sorry, I'll still have normal day to day postings, too.
We're playing tennis tonight so I better get ready.
Chao!
La. Sra.
I really prefer to be around those who have little and value it than the suburbia residents from the church I used to attend.
Does this mean I don't like those I met at the other church, absolutely not, but there is a different depth to the faith of those who don't live in cookie cutter neighborhoods.
I had a friend remark to me once that she walked away from associating herself with the church because all she ever learned there never reconciled to the things she had experienced in her life. You know what - I applaud her for doing that and will almost always support anyone's decision to make that move.
I may yapper on about the things I've learned and that which I know is absolutely true but it doesn't mean that I expect everyone who reads to agree, nor do I do it for the benefit of those who have done the same thing my friend has. I'm not trying to talk them back to a relationship with Jesus - that's something they need to work out themselves in a time that suits them.
I do, however, love a good conversation on different worldviews that can remain civil and deep. It doesn't mean I'm looking to push people into agreeing with my thinking, it just simply means I love having solid discussions and expanding my mind.
This goes back to free will, but if you look at the way most Christians work, especially those who feel more aligned with a political action committee than Jesus, you have the free will to do whatever you like so long as your actions don't go against the Bible - whether or not you have a relationship with Jesus. Free will is so much more than that.
Go back to when Jesus walked the Earth. He really understood free will. One of the main examples is when the wealthy young ruler turns down Jesus's instruction on how to get into the Kingdom. The ruler turned away.
Did Jesus chase after him? No.
Did Jesus lobby a lawmaker to make all people do as he said? No.
Jesus simply went on his way. That's the beauty of free will. We have the choice to pick Jesus or something different. Jesus doesn't typically do things to us to blatently to get our attention. He waits. Granted, I have had my share of spiritual ass kickings that have done more than their fair share of attention getting, but in reality, Jesus simply waits for us to be ready and there are times when we think we're not for a wake-up call but, we should not ignore the small things as sometimes when those are ignored bigger prods could be next.
I like this church not only because the things in the lives of the congregants are not perfect, but in addtion, the preacher has a standard full time job.
I appreciate preachers like that. Too many times those who work in full time Christian work fail to really understand what the outside world goes through because they are trapped in the bubble. It sounded like the preacher had a position that gives him good exposure to all types of people. I think that issues goes back to the reconciliation factor. If you're not around everyday non-Christian types you lose perspective on what many people seem to really be about.
I also like the fact that it is smaller. Too many times I feel that the majority of churches see growth as a sign of prosperity in the faith.
Unfortunately many times it's farther for the truth. Churches that see a great, quick surge in attendance may be compromising message for growth. There are benefits to growing - increased revenue, visible effects of a strong message of Jesus's redemption - but it should be slow. There is no way in some of the churches I've been in that you can effectively continue the growth of the faith of those you have when you have such a fast influx.
Once a church gets sucked into the growth factor it seems as if that's all they really put their focus on. We can bring all these people in and grow and have more masses convert. It's a joke when you look at the things that seem to bring in the growth.
Some churches have gone to building messages solely around pop culture staples like 24, American Idol and The Matrix. Others have cut out so much of their sermons that you get 15 minutes or so of message and the rest is kicking music. That's the entertainment factor.
The biggest let down I see here is the number of half-asses Christians you get when you compromise messages. The people at those churches will retort - but we're seeker driven. Ehhhh - wrong. If you want people who are really seeking a deep relationship with Jesus you won't be entertaining them - you'll be preaching straight from the Holy Spirit and trust me, doing that will NOT grow your church the way you've seen it. The real seekers will relate to pain and hardships and the soul stinging message that goes along with being in those situations.
Those seeking entertainment with a message that makes them think they've gotten some kernal of faith expansion will probably run the other way when a true message of redemption is given. As Kierkgaard said, the true message of Jesus is going to offend people. Its offensive for people to hear they are sinners and in need of redemption. How many peple react poorly when criticism is given, even in love? The half-dozen people I've met that understand the truth know that it's difficult for people to really cheerfully take the truth to heart.
With so many people in churches today who are more entertainment seekers than truth seekers what will happen when that which we have done is tested by the purification fires on the other side of eternity? How many will be left with nothing? Sad to say, most will, and unfortunately, it may not be entirely their fault.
So where did it all go wrong? That's what I'd like to know. It seems like something has been lost in the training of the pastorate. I've discussed, sometimes not so kindly, with those with divinity degrees the basics of the faith and they have no clue. These basic things should have been day 1 of undergrad, but they're leaving graduate studies without this knowledge and then how many people are they putting eternal possession in jeopardy by leading a church with no knowledge?
((Unrelated side note, I just saw a news clip of Michael Jackson and whats wrong with the world when his hair looks better than mine and most of Europe's soccer roster))
I've read more than just a few blog entries lately of people near my age quite unhappy about the state of the church they have been attending or at least the value of the message. There's not a lot that can be done, sadly, except to say something and put yourself at risk of being ostracized or kicked out of your church. I've been through that.
I've also tried to see how many people would comment on some of my more deep postings online and I have not had much biting from readers. That's why discussion is so vital between those who are looking for something better than what bullshit is coming from the pulpit. It's definately not easy to find those who understand or are even willing to discuss their beliefs in a civil way so use them when you find them.
I can go on for hours and hours on different topics and I know that this is quite disjointed, but, there will definately be more of these posts to come. If that turns ya off, sorry, I'll still have normal day to day postings, too.
We're playing tennis tonight so I better get ready.
Chao!
La. Sra.
Monday, February 26, 2007
I've been tagged
I've been tagged by Domi's World to say six wierd things about myself.
So - Here we go!!!
1 - I typically spell becuase wrong. See, I just screwed it up there. Why? Becuase my fingers don't typically work correctly. I know my boss is probably couting how many times I do it in my emails and I'm sure before I leave that job when the grant money is out he'll have a good count and come up with some kind of silly you owe me one penny for eact time you misspell it so he can buy himself a nice car.
Yes, I misspell it that much, along with a lot of other words.
Another wierd thing about my typing is that I use my left hand on the space bar. We were always taught to use the right hand whenever you wanted to space on the keyboard during keyboarding class but you know what, it just never worked out that way. So - here's to all of my typing teachers ..1.. I'm doing it MY way and you know what - it works, so leave it alone.
2- In the light of the astro-nut scandal that includes diapers, I'll let many of you who were never around me as a kid in on a little secret - I wanted to pilot the space shuttle as a kid.
That's right. I wanted to not only go into space, but I wanted to pilot the damn machinery. I still want to be a pilot and had I had good vision and decent math skills I would have done whatever it took to fly in the Navy or Air Force in a fighter jet. My walls were covered in posters of jets as a kid, along with the appropriate shuttle items. My parents took us to the Grissom AFB open house every year and we got to see the demonstrations and I still secretly want to go up in one.
But, I don't have hundreds of thousands of dollars or really good KGB connections in Russia who can put me in a MiG for a short flight so I guess I'll still have to just dream about being a pilot of a fast plane.
3 - I never carried a purse on a daily basis until I was a senior in college. What did I carry you ask? A men's trifold leather wallet (I still have it and was using it in my purse as my billfold until my husband got me a nice Coach card carrier for Christmas). I could keep everything I needed- cash, the one emergency credit card, my insurance card and a couple of spare keys in my wallet in my back pocket. Why carry a purse?
The only reason I started carrying a purse was becuase (see I did it again!) I had purchased a cell phone for my job as a newspaper reporter and didn't want to always stick it in my pocket for fear of losing it. So I bought a small purse that fit well in my bookbag (see, I still really didn't CARRY it even then) and went on with life.
I've since become a purse whore, but, I still only purchase medium size bags (the only big bag you'll probably see me carry is the diaper bag and even then most of the time my purse has to fit into that bag! I'm still anal, aren't I?) and only when there is a good sale. I hate paying full price for purses or shoes. I wish my husband would take a lesson on that.
4 - I used to do gymnastics as a kid. I was never really good at any apparatus but I was very good and diving rolls for some reason. I was also fairly flexible and was either first or second in the contest to do back arches starting from the floor. But, I was too scared of heights and was horribly coordinated for the balance beam and couldn't do a simple handstand so really, much of that was out, so I danced instead. I took jazz dancing lessons. I quit shortly before my fifth year becuase the studio upped their prices and my parents couldn't afford it anymore. I wasn't that great and I couldn't even do splits, but, it was fun, I think, while it lasted.
5 - I can't wear fingernail polish. As soon as I get polish on my fingers my hands start drying out and cracking something awful. I've never figured out why and we've tried many different types of polish, but it always ends up that way. And it seems like no amount of lotion will fix the drying process so, I avoid it like nasty germs but, lavish the loving on my toes. For some reason, my feet don't react the same way, which is good for me becuase for some reason I don't really like the look of 90 percent of fingernail polish on women in person (in mags it looks great, but in person there's just something about it that bugs me) but I think it's awesome on toes. It's like her little secret for the world to see and it's almost impowering.
But, maybe that's because I was never able to wear polish growing up, not even for prom due to my mom's bias against polish, and there's just something amazingly womanly about getting a sweetass pedi and topcoat. Grrrr baby.
6 - I hate to have my facial hair plucked. I do on occassion need to get my brows done and I cannot stand the insanity of plucking. Just do one strip of wax, hurt for 2 seconds and be done. Why prolong the pain?
So - there you go. Six wierd things about me that most of you probably didn't know.
I hope it was enjoyable, or it allowed you to be unbored for more than 30 seconds.
Chao!!
La. Sra.
So - Here we go!!!
1 - I typically spell becuase wrong. See, I just screwed it up there. Why? Becuase my fingers don't typically work correctly. I know my boss is probably couting how many times I do it in my emails and I'm sure before I leave that job when the grant money is out he'll have a good count and come up with some kind of silly you owe me one penny for eact time you misspell it so he can buy himself a nice car.
Yes, I misspell it that much, along with a lot of other words.
Another wierd thing about my typing is that I use my left hand on the space bar. We were always taught to use the right hand whenever you wanted to space on the keyboard during keyboarding class but you know what, it just never worked out that way. So - here's to all of my typing teachers ..1.. I'm doing it MY way and you know what - it works, so leave it alone.
2- In the light of the astro-nut scandal that includes diapers, I'll let many of you who were never around me as a kid in on a little secret - I wanted to pilot the space shuttle as a kid.
That's right. I wanted to not only go into space, but I wanted to pilot the damn machinery. I still want to be a pilot and had I had good vision and decent math skills I would have done whatever it took to fly in the Navy or Air Force in a fighter jet. My walls were covered in posters of jets as a kid, along with the appropriate shuttle items. My parents took us to the Grissom AFB open house every year and we got to see the demonstrations and I still secretly want to go up in one.
But, I don't have hundreds of thousands of dollars or really good KGB connections in Russia who can put me in a MiG for a short flight so I guess I'll still have to just dream about being a pilot of a fast plane.
3 - I never carried a purse on a daily basis until I was a senior in college. What did I carry you ask? A men's trifold leather wallet (I still have it and was using it in my purse as my billfold until my husband got me a nice Coach card carrier for Christmas). I could keep everything I needed- cash, the one emergency credit card, my insurance card and a couple of spare keys in my wallet in my back pocket. Why carry a purse?
The only reason I started carrying a purse was becuase (see I did it again!) I had purchased a cell phone for my job as a newspaper reporter and didn't want to always stick it in my pocket for fear of losing it. So I bought a small purse that fit well in my bookbag (see, I still really didn't CARRY it even then) and went on with life.
I've since become a purse whore, but, I still only purchase medium size bags (the only big bag you'll probably see me carry is the diaper bag and even then most of the time my purse has to fit into that bag! I'm still anal, aren't I?) and only when there is a good sale. I hate paying full price for purses or shoes. I wish my husband would take a lesson on that.
4 - I used to do gymnastics as a kid. I was never really good at any apparatus but I was very good and diving rolls for some reason. I was also fairly flexible and was either first or second in the contest to do back arches starting from the floor. But, I was too scared of heights and was horribly coordinated for the balance beam and couldn't do a simple handstand so really, much of that was out, so I danced instead. I took jazz dancing lessons. I quit shortly before my fifth year becuase the studio upped their prices and my parents couldn't afford it anymore. I wasn't that great and I couldn't even do splits, but, it was fun, I think, while it lasted.
5 - I can't wear fingernail polish. As soon as I get polish on my fingers my hands start drying out and cracking something awful. I've never figured out why and we've tried many different types of polish, but it always ends up that way. And it seems like no amount of lotion will fix the drying process so, I avoid it like nasty germs but, lavish the loving on my toes. For some reason, my feet don't react the same way, which is good for me becuase for some reason I don't really like the look of 90 percent of fingernail polish on women in person (in mags it looks great, but in person there's just something about it that bugs me) but I think it's awesome on toes. It's like her little secret for the world to see and it's almost impowering.
But, maybe that's because I was never able to wear polish growing up, not even for prom due to my mom's bias against polish, and there's just something amazingly womanly about getting a sweetass pedi and topcoat. Grrrr baby.
6 - I hate to have my facial hair plucked. I do on occassion need to get my brows done and I cannot stand the insanity of plucking. Just do one strip of wax, hurt for 2 seconds and be done. Why prolong the pain?
So - there you go. Six wierd things about me that most of you probably didn't know.
I hope it was enjoyable, or it allowed you to be unbored for more than 30 seconds.
Chao!!
La. Sra.
You know what?
*****I WANT TO BE PERFECTLY CLEAR ABOUT THIS POST, NOTHING IS RELATED TO MY JOB IN TERMS OF THE MEANINGS IN HERE, IT'S ALL PERSONAL******
Something in me switched on today.
I don't know why or how, but it did. And you know what, things have to change in my life.
I know exactly what I need to do and I don't know why but there seems to be some urgency about it, as if things are ramping up for a decent attack soon. Where or from who, I don't know.
But, the last time something switched on like this, there was a an attack to be had and I knew exactly what my place in it was and how to deal with it because I was prepared.
There are some things in the very basicness of my life that has to fundamentally move into places I've not been in a while. The last time things like this had to shift I lost the one I loved, my home, and contact with just about all the people I cared about. I was left with just a couple of close friends who could direct me in the things I needed to focus on and all the other distractions were violently removed from my life.
I'm thinking I won't need something like that again because I know the switch on what needs to happen has flipped, but you know what, I can handle it if I get myself back to the place I was during that time. Hell, I can take on anything including the beasts of Hell itself - it wouldn't be the first time I've looked them in the eye and laughed.
So you know what - fuck just about everything. I know what needs to be done and how to do it and nothing else but that matters and if I lose just about everything and everyone again, so be it. This has to take precidence.
A bit cryptic, I know, but I know what I'm doing.
La. Sra.
Something in me switched on today.
I don't know why or how, but it did. And you know what, things have to change in my life.
I know exactly what I need to do and I don't know why but there seems to be some urgency about it, as if things are ramping up for a decent attack soon. Where or from who, I don't know.
But, the last time something switched on like this, there was a an attack to be had and I knew exactly what my place in it was and how to deal with it because I was prepared.
There are some things in the very basicness of my life that has to fundamentally move into places I've not been in a while. The last time things like this had to shift I lost the one I loved, my home, and contact with just about all the people I cared about. I was left with just a couple of close friends who could direct me in the things I needed to focus on and all the other distractions were violently removed from my life.
I'm thinking I won't need something like that again because I know the switch on what needs to happen has flipped, but you know what, I can handle it if I get myself back to the place I was during that time. Hell, I can take on anything including the beasts of Hell itself - it wouldn't be the first time I've looked them in the eye and laughed.
So you know what - fuck just about everything. I know what needs to be done and how to do it and nothing else but that matters and if I lose just about everything and everyone again, so be it. This has to take precidence.
A bit cryptic, I know, but I know what I'm doing.
La. Sra.
Driver's Education
Thanks to my dad for helping this along.
He can deal with the ramifications in a few years.
I'll try to get a few more pics up here soon.
Hope everyone is well!
He can deal with the ramifications in a few years.
I'll try to get a few more pics up here soon.
Hope everyone is well!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)