I confess - I lied!

For many years I operated under the false assumption that I was not a 'high maintenance and demanding B#!*h'.

In some ways, I really am not.

But then again. I really am very demanding when it comes to a serious, marriage caliber, relationship.

So, to confess - I lied. I'm sorry I said I wasn't demanding and high maintenance, please forgive me for not telling the truth.

Because the truth is - I am.

And, I make no apologies for that.

I mean, really, what is so wrong with having a high expectation of how I expect a man to be? Especially if:

1 - has the remote inkling he wants to be my husband;

2 - claims to be a Christian;

3 - I've experienced that kind of amazing love before so I know it's possible for a man to put for the effort to love in that kind of way (and he was in such a close relationship to Jesus it was actually possible for him to love me in an incredible way) and be successful in that endeavor;

and

4 - by the Blood of Jesus that bought me from Hell I'm worth being treated well and not having less that what the death of Jesus affords me to have.

What's wrong with that - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I only wish more women and churches would hold their men to the standard God does without fear that their men would punk out and run away from them. If they run, let them run - God's got you ladies - and Bodies.

Your true Husband's got you whether or not the men stay around.

So, oh, probably a few weeks ago I got this crazy idea where I wondered what an 'application' to date me would look like. What would I put in it? How involved would it be?

It kept creeping into my mind and more and more I had questions develop until it pretty much ate at me and I had to put it down into a visible form to get it out of my head.

It took about two hours to develop and is in the post below. It is partially serious in nature. It is partially incredibly absurd for the sake of being absurd.

As serious as I take myself, I don't take myself THAT seriously.

Ok, maybe I do and I'm lying again. :)

The sad thing is, nearly every single question was developed from some kind of event I have lived through in my life or saw others live through.

Kind of like those crazy rules at camp - thou shalt not toss a wild animal from a moving vehicle unless it is attacking you - they're written because it happened.

I can safely say I can laugh about 95% of the origins of these questions.

And no, I've never dated a drag queen - that I know of!

This is really for entertainment purposes and I pray my unmarried girlfriends get a huge laugh out of this. I've probably put down onto 'paper' what has gone through their minds for a long time.

If any of you have suggestions of other questions (absurd or otherwise) to add, go for it. I'm putting it out there with a smile.

And, before you ask, no - I wouldn't ever ask a man to complete this.

And the expectations I hold a man to - I am more than willing to pour every ounce of my being into helping them achieve it IF AND WHEN they are in a state where they become teachable and are willing to have my support.

I would never demand/expect something from someone if I was not willing to put any and all energy into getting it done. I cannot do it for you or spoon feed you - but, if you're willing to pour yourself into it - so am I. Therein lies the difference.

However, this is insight into my mind and how it works when marriage and my family is on the line.

And - a question that everyone seems to be rhetorical, but it really isn't - where are the unmarried Men of God that are not repulsive in the natural?

All I ever come across are Men of God that are married or so repulsive in the natural (including vile words that slide off their tongues meant to flatter and seduce and put things out of Order, not just in my life, but the church as well) they are immediately rejected

- OR -

men that are decent in the natural that are have no strength of faith and in desperate need of spiritual deliverance who run at the first hint of being held to a standard they don't want to believe exists because their church refuses to teach it for fear of losing massive amount of congregants and their checkbooks.

I mean, really, WHERE ARE THE REAL, UNMARRIED, DECENT MEN OF GOD?????

But alas - I hope you enjoy this. One person has already said it makes Eharmony look like child's play.

Peace, Joy, Blessings, Love, and Laughter -

La. Sra.

Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya?

Dating ‘Questionnaire’

Thank you for your interest in a serious dating relationship. Before I consider a serious suitor there are a few things I’d like to know about you.

Please fill the following ‘questionnaire’ out in its entirety. Feel free to use as many sheets of paper as needed or present your answers in a way that reflects your personality.

If using a non-visual media method of responding to these questions, please print off the ‘questionnaire’ and hand-write your responses.

Minimum word requirements for essays may be waived if your answer is revelatory and thought-provoking enough that you can do it in less.

Also, please include a recent photo of yourself with the questionnaire.

May Jesus be with you as you fill this out.

General Information:

Name:

Birthday:

Address:

Years at this address:

If less than 5 years, give former addresses:

Email:

What gender were you when you were born?

How many times have you been married:

Number of children you have:

Number of children you may have fathered but are not sure if they are yours:

Total number of children you pay support for, the number of women you owe support to, and the total amount of support you pay per month:

Pets:

Facebook page:

Blog url:

MySpace page:

Twitter account:

LinkedIn account:

Name, phone number and e-mail of the last woman you seriously dated/were married to:

Have you ever been arrested (include juvenile offenses)? If yes, date, arresting charge, state and county/city of the arrest:

Have you ever been convicted of a crime (including juvenile offenses)? If yes, date, arresting charge, state and county/city of the arrest:

Church Background:

Church you currently attend:

Years at current church:

If less than 5, list all former churches and the reason(s) you left:

Activities you are involved in at your church:

Why did you choose this congregation?

Medical Information:

Do you smoke or use any tobacco products EVER?

Do you carry health insurance? If so, is it through your employer or are you self-insured:

Height, Weight and BMI:

Blood Type:

Please list any chronic health issues you have and how they are managed:

Are you on any routinely taken medications (including for mental health issues and vitamins/OTC drugs)? If so, for what conditions and why?

When was the last time you saw a doctor and why:

When was the last time you saw your doctor for a routine physical?

Did that physical include a PSA or digital prostate exam?

Do you perform regular testicular cancer checks on yourself?

Have you ever been on short-term or long-term disability? If yes, please list dates and reasons for going on disability:

Do you have any old injuries that re-surface? If yes, please describe how the injury occurred and how it affects your ability to perform everyday activities:

Have you ever had any major surgeries? If yes, list dates and reasons for surgery:

Have you ever had an STD/STI test? If yes, please explain why and the approximate date of the test:

Have you ever tested positive for an STD/STI? If so, what was the diagnosis and what treatment did you receive?

Please attach a summary of the results of your latest annual physical.

List any major family medical history issues you are aware of:

Work Information:

Employer:

Years at your job:

If less than 10 years, give former employers, the positions held, and reasons for leaving:

What is your favorite aspect about your current job?

What frustrates you the most about your job?

If you could have any dream job, what would it be and why?

What things did you learn from your former job(s) that have helped you excel at your current position?

Where do you see yourself in the next 2 years at your current job?

Do you see yourself working for this employer for the next 5-10 years? If so, what kind of expectations do you have for the position you would be working in and how do you see yourself helping the company move forward in their industry?

Educational Background

High School:

Greatest/Favorite memories from HS:

What you loathed most about HS:

Jobs you worked during HS:

Activities during HS:

College(s) [undergrad], and years attended and degree(s) attained:

Jobs you worked during undergrad:

Activities during undergrad (may include any routine volunteer work on or off campus):

Greatest things undergrad taught you:

Most difficult lessons you learned in undergrad:

College(s) [post-bachelor degree], years attended and degree(s) attained (if applicable):

What was the reason for pursuing an advanced degree?

How did that extra education propel you in your life at that time and now?

If you had the chance, would you go back to school (including trade schools) and if so, what would you study and why?

Current Activities/Interests:

List any current community/civic organizations you attend or are a part of:

List any board of trustees/directors of which you are a member:

What were your reasons/purposes for becoming a part of these organizations?

What are your current hobbies?

Please provide a general (or specific) overview of what your daily schedule is like:

How do you spend your free time?

Coffee, Tea or both and what add-ins do you use (if any):

If you get the chance to have ‘me time’ what things do you do to ‘indulge’ or that are special and solely for your own refreshment?

What music do you normally listen to?

What are your favorite movies?

How many movies have you seen in the past 3 months?

How many hours of TV do you watch per day?

Can you cook? If so, list your five favorite meals to prepare for yourself or others:

Can you bake? If so, list up to five favorite things you enjoy baking.

***Please, when submitting this application, include a reasonable sample of something you cooked/baked. Only one item overall is necessary.

Can you do your own laundry? If yes, how often do you currently do laundry?

How do you clean your dishes?

How often do you vacuum and sweep?

Have you ever hired a housekeeper? If yes, what was the extent of their responsibilities in your home?

Have you ever had a garden? If yes, please list the plants you raised:

Do you know how to can food? If yes, list the foods you have canned before:

What is the extent of yard work that you have performed:

Can you sew (including replacing buttons)? If yes, list the extent of your skill:

Do you own any tools (including power tools)? If yes, please list the tools you own:

Have you ever built anything? If yes, please describe the project and include a photo, if possible.

What were the last 3 items in your home that you repaired?

What was the most difficult repair/remodel job you have done? What were the challenges and how did you overcome them?

Briefly describe your taste in furniture and art:

What is your favorite wine and/or liquor?

What are your greatest fears?

PC, Mac or Open Source and why?

Political leaning:

Stewart, Colbert or The Onion and why?

Suzy Orman, Dave Ramsey or Jim Cramer and why?

What brings you the most joy?

What are some of your favorite words?

Do you have any ‘addictions’?

Old School: Atari or Nintendo?

Relationships:

Date your last relationship/marriage ended:

Please describe the reasons your previous relationships failed:

Now, imagine you are your exes. What would they say the reasons were for the failure of your relationships?

What have the failures in your relationships taught you?

What is the most ‘romantic’ thing you have done for someone? How did that person react to what you did?

What is the most ‘romantic’ thing someone has done for you? Why/How did it touch your heart so deeply?

What personality traits do you have to have in a partner?

What drives you nuts the most about those whom you have had previous relationships?

What went truly well in your previous relationships?

How long was your longest relationship/marriage?

If you do not have children - Have you ever been in a relationship where you were in a father role? If so, describe how that dynamic worked – both what worked well and what didn’t:

Essay (Please be as in-depth as you possibly can be):

1. What was the greatest thing you ever forgave someone for doing to you? How long did it take you to resolve to forgive them? Describe in detail the process by which you became healed of that transgression.

2. In NO LESS than 250 words, lay out who you are in Jesus and what your purpose is on this Earth. Use as many references from Scripture and authors as necessary.

3. In NO LESS than 500 words, give me your thoughts on what the Church should really look like. Use as many references from Scripture and authors as necessary.

4. In NO LESS than 500 words, describe what a Godly marriage is to look like. What is the purpose of marriage? What role does a husband have in a family? What role does a wife have?

5. Describe what an idea relationship between a husband and a wife looks like. Differentiate it from Essay 4 in the aspect of non-spiritual basis. What kinds of things do spouses do for each other? How do they handle communication? What does love between them look like?

6. Have you ever attempted to do a sign, miracle or wonder? What was the outcome?

7. What is your take on the current situation of national security and terrorism? Also describle how Yersinia pestis would come into play in a terrorist event.

8. Describe real love.

9. Describe your hopes and dreams for your future wife and family and how you fit into those dreams and how you would make them a reality.

Embargo

So many words race through my spirit - I try to catch each one.

The message so simple, yet so impossible to teach, but the foundation for all that is to be won.

Words given, tossed away; questions answered, but willfulness remains.

My tongue be bound, the time has not arrived; but agonize when I watch the struggle each day and know I have the key.

So deep the depth of the knowledge unlocked, but who will be courageous enough to traverse this abyss?

A treasure so great it has no value, yet each man a repository of that wealth that shames the coffers of Solomon.

Another day, another heart cry. Another heartbreak for I just want to light the way.

©Kristen Garcia 10/10