This is as best as I can remember a dream I had about 6 weeks ago. The more I meditated on it the more it was revealed that it was more in relation to my marriage with Jesus than anything dealing with a human man. I've been reminded of this dream by the Holy Spirit often since I had it and it has brought comfort in lonely times.
It wasn't until the end of the dream that I saw the actual 'man' I was with - and I cannot remember if he had the ponytail or not, but everything about him screamed 'Mario Batali' - thus the origin of the title of this piece.
__________________________________
Italy one night, Paris the next. The French Riviera the next week, back to New York City after that.
Trips of a lifetime, but they are the norm. Parties that includes names the whole world knows, but he is never too far from me.
There is a tender protection everywhere we go and a pride in his voice as he introduces me to everyone. They are there for him, but he cannot help but defer to me.
Even after a long night he still finds the time to make me my favorite dessert and make sure I ate. The finest and my favorites all in one.
A private jet, the finest homes, the best hotels - such grandeur and splendor I never thought I'd see. And I stand in awe that for some reason this man picked me. There are those who are smarter, more beautiful, but yet he chooses me.
And then a new surprise, a beautiful boat. It's older, but he's proud of it. A new retreat and he says he got it for me.
Along with some friends I begin walking through the newest gift, taking in every inch and turn.
I mention to the friend that I am in total awe of my life and the love he has for me. I say, almost in a lamenting way, that he sometimes is just so incredibly silly.
She stops and looks at me incredulously.
'You know why, right?' she says. 'Even with all the things he has and does the greatest thing of beauty he wants is to see you smile. He gets silly because he knows that will get you to smile. It's his greatest treasure.'
We keep walking around the boat. The wallpaper is ugly.
Two-tone brown in tiny vertical stripes - it reminds me of a tasteful and sophisticated wrapping paper my parents had used one Christmas - fantastic on a gift but sucks as a wall covering.
'You hate it,' he says - I guess I can't hide my distaste for it. 'I knew you would, but I left it so you could pick out the replacement,' he says with a wry smile and a soft nuzzle.
As we leave he begins, ahead of me, the walk down the long staircase.
He starts jumping down it - several steps at a time - reaching the landing with a 'thud'. He turns and looks up at me with a huge smile.
I chuckle and give him an equally large smile - his greatest treasure.
And in the smallest and lighthearted of moments I love him more than ever before.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I confess - I lied!
For many years I operated under the false assumption that I was not a 'high maintenance and demanding B#!*h'.
In some ways, I really am not.
But then again. I really am very demanding when it comes to a serious, marriage caliber, relationship.
So, to confess - I lied. I'm sorry I said I wasn't demanding and high maintenance, please forgive me for not telling the truth.
Because the truth is - I am.
And, I make no apologies for that.
I mean, really, what is so wrong with having a high expectation of how I expect a man to be? Especially if:
1 - has the remote inkling he wants to be my husband;
2 - claims to be a Christian;
3 - I've experienced that kind of amazing love before so I know it's possible for a man to put for the effort to love in that kind of way (and he was in such a close relationship to Jesus it was actually possible for him to love me in an incredible way) and be successful in that endeavor;
and
4 - by the Blood of Jesus that bought me from Hell I'm worth being treated well and not having less that what the death of Jesus affords me to have.
What's wrong with that - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
I only wish more women and churches would hold their men to the standard God does without fear that their men would punk out and run away from them. If they run, let them run - God's got you ladies - and Bodies.
Your true Husband's got you whether or not the men stay around.
So, oh, probably a few weeks ago I got this crazy idea where I wondered what an 'application' to date me would look like. What would I put in it? How involved would it be?
It kept creeping into my mind and more and more I had questions develop until it pretty much ate at me and I had to put it down into a visible form to get it out of my head.
It took about two hours to develop and is in the post below. It is partially serious in nature. It is partially incredibly absurd for the sake of being absurd.
As serious as I take myself, I don't take myself THAT seriously.
Ok, maybe I do and I'm lying again. :)
The sad thing is, nearly every single question was developed from some kind of event I have lived through in my life or saw others live through.
Kind of like those crazy rules at camp - thou shalt not toss a wild animal from a moving vehicle unless it is attacking you - they're written because it happened.
I can safely say I can laugh about 95% of the origins of these questions.
And no, I've never dated a drag queen - that I know of!
This is really for entertainment purposes and I pray my unmarried girlfriends get a huge laugh out of this. I've probably put down onto 'paper' what has gone through their minds for a long time.
If any of you have suggestions of other questions (absurd or otherwise) to add, go for it. I'm putting it out there with a smile.
And, before you ask, no - I wouldn't ever ask a man to complete this.
And the expectations I hold a man to - I am more than willing to pour every ounce of my being into helping them achieve it IF AND WHEN they are in a state where they become teachable and are willing to have my support.
I would never demand/expect something from someone if I was not willing to put any and all energy into getting it done. I cannot do it for you or spoon feed you - but, if you're willing to pour yourself into it - so am I. Therein lies the difference.
However, this is insight into my mind and how it works when marriage and my family is on the line.
And - a question that everyone seems to be rhetorical, but it really isn't - where are the unmarried Men of God that are not repulsive in the natural?
All I ever come across are Men of God that are married or so repulsive in the natural (including vile words that slide off their tongues meant to flatter and seduce and put things out of Order, not just in my life, but the church as well) they are immediately rejected
- OR -
men that are decent in the natural that are have no strength of faith and in desperate need of spiritual deliverance who run at the first hint of being held to a standard they don't want to believe exists because their church refuses to teach it for fear of losing massive amount of congregants and their checkbooks.
I mean, really, WHERE ARE THE REAL, UNMARRIED, DECENT MEN OF GOD?????
But alas - I hope you enjoy this. One person has already said it makes Eharmony look like child's play.
Peace, Joy, Blessings, Love, and Laughter -
La. Sra.
In some ways, I really am not.
But then again. I really am very demanding when it comes to a serious, marriage caliber, relationship.
So, to confess - I lied. I'm sorry I said I wasn't demanding and high maintenance, please forgive me for not telling the truth.
Because the truth is - I am.
And, I make no apologies for that.
I mean, really, what is so wrong with having a high expectation of how I expect a man to be? Especially if:
1 - has the remote inkling he wants to be my husband;
2 - claims to be a Christian;
3 - I've experienced that kind of amazing love before so I know it's possible for a man to put for the effort to love in that kind of way (and he was in such a close relationship to Jesus it was actually possible for him to love me in an incredible way) and be successful in that endeavor;
and
4 - by the Blood of Jesus that bought me from Hell I'm worth being treated well and not having less that what the death of Jesus affords me to have.
What's wrong with that - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
I only wish more women and churches would hold their men to the standard God does without fear that their men would punk out and run away from them. If they run, let them run - God's got you ladies - and Bodies.
Your true Husband's got you whether or not the men stay around.
So, oh, probably a few weeks ago I got this crazy idea where I wondered what an 'application' to date me would look like. What would I put in it? How involved would it be?
It kept creeping into my mind and more and more I had questions develop until it pretty much ate at me and I had to put it down into a visible form to get it out of my head.
It took about two hours to develop and is in the post below. It is partially serious in nature. It is partially incredibly absurd for the sake of being absurd.
As serious as I take myself, I don't take myself THAT seriously.
Ok, maybe I do and I'm lying again. :)
The sad thing is, nearly every single question was developed from some kind of event I have lived through in my life or saw others live through.
Kind of like those crazy rules at camp - thou shalt not toss a wild animal from a moving vehicle unless it is attacking you - they're written because it happened.
I can safely say I can laugh about 95% of the origins of these questions.
And no, I've never dated a drag queen - that I know of!
This is really for entertainment purposes and I pray my unmarried girlfriends get a huge laugh out of this. I've probably put down onto 'paper' what has gone through their minds for a long time.
If any of you have suggestions of other questions (absurd or otherwise) to add, go for it. I'm putting it out there with a smile.
And, before you ask, no - I wouldn't ever ask a man to complete this.
And the expectations I hold a man to - I am more than willing to pour every ounce of my being into helping them achieve it IF AND WHEN they are in a state where they become teachable and are willing to have my support.
I would never demand/expect something from someone if I was not willing to put any and all energy into getting it done. I cannot do it for you or spoon feed you - but, if you're willing to pour yourself into it - so am I. Therein lies the difference.
However, this is insight into my mind and how it works when marriage and my family is on the line.
And - a question that everyone seems to be rhetorical, but it really isn't - where are the unmarried Men of God that are not repulsive in the natural?
All I ever come across are Men of God that are married or so repulsive in the natural (including vile words that slide off their tongues meant to flatter and seduce and put things out of Order, not just in my life, but the church as well) they are immediately rejected
- OR -
men that are decent in the natural that are have no strength of faith and in desperate need of spiritual deliverance who run at the first hint of being held to a standard they don't want to believe exists because their church refuses to teach it for fear of losing massive amount of congregants and their checkbooks.
I mean, really, WHERE ARE THE REAL, UNMARRIED, DECENT MEN OF GOD?????
But alas - I hope you enjoy this. One person has already said it makes Eharmony look like child's play.
Peace, Joy, Blessings, Love, and Laughter -
La. Sra.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya?
Dating ‘Questionnaire’
Thank you for your interest in a serious dating relationship. Before I consider a serious suitor there are a few things I’d like to know about you.
Please fill the following ‘questionnaire’ out in its entirety. Feel free to use as many sheets of paper as needed or present your answers in a way that reflects your personality.
If using a non-visual media method of responding to these questions, please print off the ‘questionnaire’ and hand-write your responses.
Minimum word requirements for essays may be waived if your answer is revelatory and thought-provoking enough that you can do it in less.
Also, please include a recent photo of yourself with the questionnaire.
May Jesus be with you as you fill this out.
General Information:
Name:
Birthday:
Address:
Years at this address:
If less than 5 years, give former addresses:
Email:
What gender were you when you were born?
How many times have you been married:
Number of children you have:
Number of children you may have fathered but are not sure if they are yours:
Total number of children you pay support for, the number of women you owe support to, and the total amount of support you pay per month:
Pets:
Facebook page:
Blog url:
MySpace page:
Twitter account:
LinkedIn account:
Name, phone number and e-mail of the last woman you seriously dated/were married to:
Have you ever been arrested (include juvenile offenses)? If yes, date, arresting charge, state and county/city of the arrest:
Have you ever been convicted of a crime (including juvenile offenses)? If yes, date, arresting charge, state and county/city of the arrest:
Church Background:
Church you currently attend:
Years at current church:
If less than 5, list all former churches and the reason(s) you left:
Activities you are involved in at your church:
Why did you choose this congregation?
Medical Information:
Do you smoke or use any tobacco products EVER?
Do you carry health insurance? If so, is it through your employer or are you self-insured:
Height, Weight and BMI:
Blood Type:
Please list any chronic health issues you have and how they are managed:
Are you on any routinely taken medications (including for mental health issues and vitamins/OTC drugs)? If so, for what conditions and why?
When was the last time you saw a doctor and why:
When was the last time you saw your doctor for a routine physical?
Did that physical include a PSA or digital prostate exam?
Do you perform regular testicular cancer checks on yourself?
Have you ever been on short-term or long-term disability? If yes, please list dates and reasons for going on disability:
Do you have any old injuries that re-surface? If yes, please describe how the injury occurred and how it affects your ability to perform everyday activities:
Have you ever had any major surgeries? If yes, list dates and reasons for surgery:
Have you ever had an STD/STI test? If yes, please explain why and the approximate date of the test:
Have you ever tested positive for an STD/STI? If so, what was the diagnosis and what treatment did you receive?
Please attach a summary of the results of your latest annual physical.
List any major family medical history issues you are aware of:
Work Information:
Employer:
Years at your job:
If less than 10 years, give former employers, the positions held, and reasons for leaving:
What is your favorite aspect about your current job?
What frustrates you the most about your job?
If you could have any dream job, what would it be and why?
What things did you learn from your former job(s) that have helped you excel at your current position?
Where do you see yourself in the next 2 years at your current job?
Do you see yourself working for this employer for the next 5-10 years? If so, what kind of expectations do you have for the position you would be working in and how do you see yourself helping the company move forward in their industry?
Educational Background
High School:
Greatest/Favorite memories from HS:
What you loathed most about HS:
Jobs you worked during HS:
Activities during HS:
College(s) [undergrad], and years attended and degree(s) attained:
Jobs you worked during undergrad:
Activities during undergrad (may include any routine volunteer work on or off campus):
Greatest things undergrad taught you:
Most difficult lessons you learned in undergrad:
College(s) [post-bachelor degree], years attended and degree(s) attained (if applicable):
What was the reason for pursuing an advanced degree?
How did that extra education propel you in your life at that time and now?
If you had the chance, would you go back to school (including trade schools) and if so, what would you study and why?
Current Activities/Interests:
List any current community/civic organizations you attend or are a part of:
List any board of trustees/directors of which you are a member:
What were your reasons/purposes for becoming a part of these organizations?
What are your current hobbies?
Please provide a general (or specific) overview of what your daily schedule is like:
How do you spend your free time?
Coffee, Tea or both and what add-ins do you use (if any):
If you get the chance to have ‘me time’ what things do you do to ‘indulge’ or that are special and solely for your own refreshment?
What music do you normally listen to?
What are your favorite movies?
How many movies have you seen in the past 3 months?
How many hours of TV do you watch per day?
Can you cook? If so, list your five favorite meals to prepare for yourself or others:
Can you bake? If so, list up to five favorite things you enjoy baking.
***Please, when submitting this application, include a reasonable sample of something you cooked/baked. Only one item overall is necessary.
Can you do your own laundry? If yes, how often do you currently do laundry?
How do you clean your dishes?
How often do you vacuum and sweep?
Have you ever hired a housekeeper? If yes, what was the extent of their responsibilities in your home?
Have you ever had a garden? If yes, please list the plants you raised:
Do you know how to can food? If yes, list the foods you have canned before:
What is the extent of yard work that you have performed:
Can you sew (including replacing buttons)? If yes, list the extent of your skill:
Do you own any tools (including power tools)? If yes, please list the tools you own:
Have you ever built anything? If yes, please describe the project and include a photo, if possible.
What were the last 3 items in your home that you repaired?
What was the most difficult repair/remodel job you have done? What were the challenges and how did you overcome them?
Briefly describe your taste in furniture and art:
What is your favorite wine and/or liquor?
What are your greatest fears?
PC, Mac or Open Source and why?
Political leaning:
Stewart, Colbert or The Onion and why?
Suzy Orman, Dave Ramsey or Jim Cramer and why?
What brings you the most joy?
What are some of your favorite words?
Do you have any ‘addictions’?
Old School: Atari or Nintendo?
Relationships:
Date your last relationship/marriage ended:
Please describe the reasons your previous relationships failed:
Now, imagine you are your exes. What would they say the reasons were for the failure of your relationships?
What have the failures in your relationships taught you?
What is the most ‘romantic’ thing you have done for someone? How did that person react to what you did?
What is the most ‘romantic’ thing someone has done for you? Why/How did it touch your heart so deeply?
What personality traits do you have to have in a partner?
What drives you nuts the most about those whom you have had previous relationships?
What went truly well in your previous relationships?
How long was your longest relationship/marriage?
If you do not have children - Have you ever been in a relationship where you were in a father role? If so, describe how that dynamic worked – both what worked well and what didn’t:
Essay (Please be as in-depth as you possibly can be):
1. What was the greatest thing you ever forgave someone for doing to you? How long did it take you to resolve to forgive them? Describe in detail the process by which you became healed of that transgression.
2. In NO LESS than 250 words, lay out who you are in Jesus and what your purpose is on this Earth. Use as many references from Scripture and authors as necessary.
3. In NO LESS than 500 words, give me your thoughts on what the Church should really look like. Use as many references from Scripture and authors as necessary.
4. In NO LESS than 500 words, describe what a Godly marriage is to look like. What is the purpose of marriage? What role does a husband have in a family? What role does a wife have?
5. Describe what an idea relationship between a husband and a wife looks like. Differentiate it from Essay 4 in the aspect of non-spiritual basis. What kinds of things do spouses do for each other? How do they handle communication? What does love between them look like?
6. Have you ever attempted to do a sign, miracle or wonder? What was the outcome?
7. What is your take on the current situation of national security and terrorism? Also describle how Yersinia pestis would come into play in a terrorist event.
8. Describe real love.
9. Describe your hopes and dreams for your future wife and family and how you fit into those dreams and how you would make them a reality.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Embargo
So many words race through my spirit - I try to catch each one.
The message so simple, yet so impossible to teach, but the foundation for all that is to be won.
Words given, tossed away; questions answered, but willfulness remains.
My tongue be bound, the time has not arrived; but agonize when I watch the struggle each day and know I have the key.
So deep the depth of the knowledge unlocked, but who will be courageous enough to traverse this abyss?
A treasure so great it has no value, yet each man a repository of that wealth that shames the coffers of Solomon.
Another day, another heart cry. Another heartbreak for I just want to light the way.
©Kristen Garcia 10/10
The message so simple, yet so impossible to teach, but the foundation for all that is to be won.
Words given, tossed away; questions answered, but willfulness remains.
My tongue be bound, the time has not arrived; but agonize when I watch the struggle each day and know I have the key.
So deep the depth of the knowledge unlocked, but who will be courageous enough to traverse this abyss?
A treasure so great it has no value, yet each man a repository of that wealth that shames the coffers of Solomon.
Another day, another heart cry. Another heartbreak for I just want to light the way.
©Kristen Garcia 10/10
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
One new, One old piece for your enjoyment
(Yet Untitled) 8-17-2010
Why is asking for genuine love like asking for the world? Is it so hard?
I want a love that is in the same vein as the love I give.
Is taking the time to truly know me - to know what makes me tick - to learn what small things bring me the greatest joy - and security - and act on what you learn so hard?
If it isn't, then why do you shove me into your pre-made mold of what I should be and enjoy? If not, then why do you throw my concerns back in my face when I try and broach the topic of what could be done to make me feel more loved and secure in us? Is your pride and ego really worth more than my trust?
Is it too hard to listen to my words and discern my heart and act on it?
If it isn't, then why do you shut down the minute I open my mouth to let you in on the most intimate thoughts and wishes of my heart and soul?
Don't say you don't. In your lack of words your clinched jaw, your breathing pattern, the tangible brick wall of your heart gives you away. That pain I can only handle so long before I back away. Don't think I don't know you that well.
Is it too hard for you to believe that I truly love you and no one else? You fear someone else will steal my gaze, when the truth is I choose on one but you.
Yet, you wonder why I shut down. Why I am silent when you ask my heart. Not only is the rejection tangible, but its hard to open up to someone who's spirit screams of wanting to flee and who's spirit exudes the sense of obligation rather than true love and desire.
Even when I do open up - why do you use my words against me later? Why can you not believe the validity of my words? Why do you laugh at some of the things I say? Are they so absurd to you that you cannot believe they come from the deepest parts of my being?
Why also do you run away when I try to pull the greatness that is in you to the surface? If you saw yourself the way I do, you would leap at the chance to come higher.
Yes, the demand and pull is great, but would I pull on you like that if I wasn't prepared and ready to nurture and do everything possible to see you succeed? Yet you run away.
I want to love you like no other before you. You are the one given to me - and yet - even if that was not already done I would still choose you to love. Why is that so hard to believe?
I want to lavish you with beautiful things and make the greatest memories with you, yet you reject what I give you because you cannot see that you are worth the expense - or worse - you suspect the motive. Have I ever given you a reason to worry? I will never change my mind regarding you.
I want so earnestly for you to truly love me.
For you to put away every preconceived notion you have of how you should love me and hear my heart through my words - see my soul in my deeds - and want to love me in a way where I can trust you the most intimate parts of my being.
It is in that place that we can be side by side, moving forward toward the beauty of the marriage that has been foretold since the foundations of the Earth.
I didn't die and rise to Glory for anything less than this.
Yes, I may be asking for the world - but it is because I have already bought the world with my Blood and placed it on your hand as a pledge of the marriage we will have once your willing to enter into it.
Do you dare say, 'I Do'?
©Kristen Garcia 8/10
---------------------------------------------------
(Preface: I have been on the receiving end of the pain related to the greatest betrayal possible from a spouse, and on the giving end of forgiveness of that transgression and leaving an open door for them to come home to. That is only made possible because of the strength drawn from in the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, who, must extend that type of forgiveness with every sin we participate in. It is only drawing from that source that makes walking in love and forgiveness in the same way that Christ does with us even possible. Having been on the giving end of that, I translated it to what it looks like for us, as a Bride/Body, every day as one who betrays our Husband in our sins.)
The Story of Us All - 2-12-10
I turn the key and walk in, I can smell the sweet aroma of dinner.
You look over your shoulder from the stove and smile - a warm welcome.
I hurry to you and give you a quick kiss, hoping you can't tell.
But, even the smell of dinner cannot mask the smell of a man that is not you.
I hurry off to change, hoping to keep the evening moving along.
You call down the hall - dinner is done. Your voice's tone marked with a tinge of pain.
Dinner, a kiss, a long embrace, how can you not know by now?
But this is not the first time, nor the same lover - its become something of a sickly familiar routine.
But, it has been, what seems like forever since the last time. It is an improvement.
You never asked why and I'm not sure I could have an answer myself.
He wasn't a good lover - you know my body unlike any other.
His eyes didn't light up with anything but lust - no match for your tender passion.
He didn't even smell good - an old shirt of yours lays next to me when you're gone so I can sleep.
So why? I don't know. I never do.
Your friends warned you long ago - If she did it once, she will do it again - you simply said you loved me. They called you a fool.
And now, sitting across the table from you, I dare not see if that love still lingers in your eyes.
I hurriedly finish the meal - my favorite - and rush to leave, unable to bear my guilt and pain any longer.
But as I get up you reach for my hand, squeeze it gently, and let me go.
I retreat to the shower, hoping to at least get the smell of my lover out of my hair, my skin, my soul.
I look up from brushing my hair to see you in the doorway, watching me.
For the first time since I arrived our eyes meet; and yes - the love I have always known is still there.
You walk over and wrap your arms around me. You simply whisper 'I love you, my wife, my beautiful bride.'
My tears, my broken spirit, my weakened body say more in that moment than a simple 'I'm sorry,', no matter how sincere and genuine they would be.
There will be time enough for that later, but for now, I collapse into the arms of a fool, who, with all I have done to him, still loves me like the day we were married.
©Kristen Garcia 7/2010
Why is asking for genuine love like asking for the world? Is it so hard?
I want a love that is in the same vein as the love I give.
Is taking the time to truly know me - to know what makes me tick - to learn what small things bring me the greatest joy - and security - and act on what you learn so hard?
If it isn't, then why do you shove me into your pre-made mold of what I should be and enjoy? If not, then why do you throw my concerns back in my face when I try and broach the topic of what could be done to make me feel more loved and secure in us? Is your pride and ego really worth more than my trust?
Is it too hard to listen to my words and discern my heart and act on it?
If it isn't, then why do you shut down the minute I open my mouth to let you in on the most intimate thoughts and wishes of my heart and soul?
Don't say you don't. In your lack of words your clinched jaw, your breathing pattern, the tangible brick wall of your heart gives you away. That pain I can only handle so long before I back away. Don't think I don't know you that well.
Is it too hard for you to believe that I truly love you and no one else? You fear someone else will steal my gaze, when the truth is I choose on one but you.
Yet, you wonder why I shut down. Why I am silent when you ask my heart. Not only is the rejection tangible, but its hard to open up to someone who's spirit screams of wanting to flee and who's spirit exudes the sense of obligation rather than true love and desire.
Even when I do open up - why do you use my words against me later? Why can you not believe the validity of my words? Why do you laugh at some of the things I say? Are they so absurd to you that you cannot believe they come from the deepest parts of my being?
Why also do you run away when I try to pull the greatness that is in you to the surface? If you saw yourself the way I do, you would leap at the chance to come higher.
Yes, the demand and pull is great, but would I pull on you like that if I wasn't prepared and ready to nurture and do everything possible to see you succeed? Yet you run away.
I want to love you like no other before you. You are the one given to me - and yet - even if that was not already done I would still choose you to love. Why is that so hard to believe?
I want to lavish you with beautiful things and make the greatest memories with you, yet you reject what I give you because you cannot see that you are worth the expense - or worse - you suspect the motive. Have I ever given you a reason to worry? I will never change my mind regarding you.
I want so earnestly for you to truly love me.
For you to put away every preconceived notion you have of how you should love me and hear my heart through my words - see my soul in my deeds - and want to love me in a way where I can trust you the most intimate parts of my being.
It is in that place that we can be side by side, moving forward toward the beauty of the marriage that has been foretold since the foundations of the Earth.
I didn't die and rise to Glory for anything less than this.
Yes, I may be asking for the world - but it is because I have already bought the world with my Blood and placed it on your hand as a pledge of the marriage we will have once your willing to enter into it.
Do you dare say, 'I Do'?
©Kristen Garcia 8/10
---------------------------------------------------
(Preface: I have been on the receiving end of the pain related to the greatest betrayal possible from a spouse, and on the giving end of forgiveness of that transgression and leaving an open door for them to come home to. That is only made possible because of the strength drawn from in the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, who, must extend that type of forgiveness with every sin we participate in. It is only drawing from that source that makes walking in love and forgiveness in the same way that Christ does with us even possible. Having been on the giving end of that, I translated it to what it looks like for us, as a Bride/Body, every day as one who betrays our Husband in our sins.)
The Story of Us All - 2-12-10
I turn the key and walk in, I can smell the sweet aroma of dinner.
You look over your shoulder from the stove and smile - a warm welcome.
I hurry to you and give you a quick kiss, hoping you can't tell.
But, even the smell of dinner cannot mask the smell of a man that is not you.
I hurry off to change, hoping to keep the evening moving along.
You call down the hall - dinner is done. Your voice's tone marked with a tinge of pain.
Dinner, a kiss, a long embrace, how can you not know by now?
But this is not the first time, nor the same lover - its become something of a sickly familiar routine.
But, it has been, what seems like forever since the last time. It is an improvement.
You never asked why and I'm not sure I could have an answer myself.
He wasn't a good lover - you know my body unlike any other.
His eyes didn't light up with anything but lust - no match for your tender passion.
He didn't even smell good - an old shirt of yours lays next to me when you're gone so I can sleep.
So why? I don't know. I never do.
Your friends warned you long ago - If she did it once, she will do it again - you simply said you loved me. They called you a fool.
And now, sitting across the table from you, I dare not see if that love still lingers in your eyes.
I hurriedly finish the meal - my favorite - and rush to leave, unable to bear my guilt and pain any longer.
But as I get up you reach for my hand, squeeze it gently, and let me go.
I retreat to the shower, hoping to at least get the smell of my lover out of my hair, my skin, my soul.
I look up from brushing my hair to see you in the doorway, watching me.
For the first time since I arrived our eyes meet; and yes - the love I have always known is still there.
You walk over and wrap your arms around me. You simply whisper 'I love you, my wife, my beautiful bride.'
My tears, my broken spirit, my weakened body say more in that moment than a simple 'I'm sorry,', no matter how sincere and genuine they would be.
There will be time enough for that later, but for now, I collapse into the arms of a fool, who, with all I have done to him, still loves me like the day we were married.
©Kristen Garcia 7/2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Less me, more you
- He who saves his life will lose it and he who loses his life will gain it.
- Extend yourselves to honor each other above yourselves.
- They had all things in common and no one had any need - not just food, water, clothing, transportation - NO need of anything.
- Deny yourself and take up your cross and follow me.
- Serve one another in love.
- I your teacher and Lord have washed your feet.
- Love one another as I have loved you.
------------
We have yet to come to the end of ourselves.
We have hit a glass ceiling both in the manifestation of Holy Spirit power and finances that cannot be broken until we finally come to the end of ourselves.
If you find yourself saying:
- Oh, I don't do poopy diapers anymore, have fun!
Or
- Ummmm, I gotta run, but I bet so and so will do (enter 'nasty' job here).
Or
- I love you, but not that much to have done (enter task) for you.
Then we have yet to come to the end of ourselves and the life of self has yet to die - the end result of that being a lack of power and finances manifesting due to a lack of love.
Do you think it was easy for Jesus to kneel down and wash the grimy feet of the disciples? It was probably as nice as a poopy diaper - but he did it anyway.
When we all get to the point where there's pretty much nothing we wouldn't do for another - no matter how much time it costs us, or if it's poopy (literally or metaphorically), or how ucky or sweaty we might become - we will have met a major benchmark of love.
Jesus poured out every single drop of blood in His body for us and told us to do the same for each other.
But our selfishness - that which sent us out of the Garden - is capable of being killed, but we still cling to it like a binky.
If we find ourselves saying we don't have the time to help on many an occasion then perhaps a re-arrangement of our priorities is needed.
Turn the rapebox (aka tv) off. Find things that are not necessary to survive in your schedule and kill them.
Leave holes in each and every day possible so that you can be there in an instant - granted it may not be possible every day to do every day but make it more often than not.
And, God will bring you things to fill those moments. Perhaps no one needs you in those moments - they are then free to be praying and ministering as a priest to your God. Learn His word, yearn for the Fire to fall and baptize you.
Its easy to love when little demand is placed upon us - and as Paul said - even the Gentiles are capable of that.
But when we shirk back from even the idea that we could give ourselves to do wretched jobs for others, the poison of our treacherous, sinful, selfish selves is apparent and should be dealt with immediately.
We have the Order established. We have the passion of prayer and submission and fervor of desire to see the things come forth.
Add an additional depth of love, and perhaps our Holy Spirit and financial breakthrough will be just around the corner.
It is, indeed, the year of the Lord's release.
Peace,
La. Sra.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Waiting for the Concrete Patch to Cure
I am a Queen - one of the loveliest of all the Brides.
I am strong, endowed with a strength from a never-ending source - able to do the mightiest tasks with a gentle ease.
I am the conqueror of the world. My words are given the same weights as those of my King.
There are days I am acutely aware of my solitary status, but even in those days, I lay down in my bed at night knowing the Spirit of My Love was beside me every moment of that day and the ache is a little less sharp.
I am a ministering priest to the Ruler of the Universe - an amazing thing to think I could even bring the haze of the incense into His Outer Court, let alone the Holiest of Holies.
But even with the Brideship and the Priesthood my heart aches some days.
I was born a helpmate. To be the right hand of a man. To hold up and support and move forward the greatness of a man.
And the Priesthood and the Brideship are amazing, but yet, the longing for that season when I can come home and celebrate with the leader of my home the victories of the Lord for that day.
To be able to open some of the innermost places of my spirit and find agreement and an apostolic force to help build it in this realm.
To share a common vision and drive it prophetically into manifestation.
To know the rest of a wife and mother - not shouldering the four-part covering as I am currently.
To minister to a man the way I minister to God and see the increasing greatness therein.
To know the overflow of love in my heart the way I never thought possible by having faithful arms to hold my spirit and embrace its passions that I have held for so long - pursuing on my own for lack of a suitable partner.
In the stillness of some afternoons my heart aches for this fellowship of another. there is something to be said for the accompaniment of another human.
My King already knows my heart, my passions, my dreams. He reveals His Truth in His Word, but there still lies in my soul that ache to share with another human - a partner for all the days of my life - that piece that is still missing and that at times leaves a gaping hole to ache in my soul.
Is Jesus enough for me - absolutely yes - by and far - yes.
But as humans we were made and said that it was not good for us to be alone - and every now and then that small portion is brought to the surface from it's hiding place deep in my soul.
And perhaps one day that hole will finally be patched for good - and that ache will be a forgotten memory of the past.
Peace,
La. Sra.
I am strong, endowed with a strength from a never-ending source - able to do the mightiest tasks with a gentle ease.
I am the conqueror of the world. My words are given the same weights as those of my King.
There are days I am acutely aware of my solitary status, but even in those days, I lay down in my bed at night knowing the Spirit of My Love was beside me every moment of that day and the ache is a little less sharp.
I am a ministering priest to the Ruler of the Universe - an amazing thing to think I could even bring the haze of the incense into His Outer Court, let alone the Holiest of Holies.
But even with the Brideship and the Priesthood my heart aches some days.
I was born a helpmate. To be the right hand of a man. To hold up and support and move forward the greatness of a man.
And the Priesthood and the Brideship are amazing, but yet, the longing for that season when I can come home and celebrate with the leader of my home the victories of the Lord for that day.
To be able to open some of the innermost places of my spirit and find agreement and an apostolic force to help build it in this realm.
To share a common vision and drive it prophetically into manifestation.
To know the rest of a wife and mother - not shouldering the four-part covering as I am currently.
To minister to a man the way I minister to God and see the increasing greatness therein.
To know the overflow of love in my heart the way I never thought possible by having faithful arms to hold my spirit and embrace its passions that I have held for so long - pursuing on my own for lack of a suitable partner.
In the stillness of some afternoons my heart aches for this fellowship of another. there is something to be said for the accompaniment of another human.
My King already knows my heart, my passions, my dreams. He reveals His Truth in His Word, but there still lies in my soul that ache to share with another human - a partner for all the days of my life - that piece that is still missing and that at times leaves a gaping hole to ache in my soul.
Is Jesus enough for me - absolutely yes - by and far - yes.
But as humans we were made and said that it was not good for us to be alone - and every now and then that small portion is brought to the surface from it's hiding place deep in my soul.
And perhaps one day that hole will finally be patched for good - and that ache will be a forgotten memory of the past.
Peace,
La. Sra.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A little slice of Heaven
. . . . Of Glory . . . . .
Unity is the key that ushers in greater power and indwelling of the Holy Spirit among a group of believers. There are times it is achieved on a low level and other times when it is palatable in the air.
Such was Sunday night at Southgate Church.
I had the pleasure of sitting up in the sound booth for the first hour of the service and the view was incredible. The initial rush of people into the sanctuary was incredible. There was almost a rush of wind carried in as a semi-orderly flow of people hurried to their seats.
It was a rare time that I have seen people cheering louder for Christ than they do for sporting events - the roar was almost deafening - as if amplified by angels that surrounded the place.
Unity brings in so many things that are not seen normally. Black, White, Interracial, Hispanic, maybe Asian - all in the same place, worshiping the same Jesus. Some from Indiana, some from Baltimore, some from Detroit, some from Georgia, some from Chicago, some from God only knows where.
We surely pulled down a small piece of Heaven that night. Anyone there can tell you. It was such a preview of the things to come.
One of my favorite parts of the few Healing Song services I have been to is near the 'afterset' where the 'kids' somehow take the stage, from toddler on up to mid-20s, and manage to take the mics.
The next revival has been prophesied to be greater than that at Azousa Street - mainly because the governmental structures are in place to continue its growth - something that was missing at Azousa.
And when I look at the 'kids', I see it. I see Apostle Coates and those near him; then under him - a second generation of leaders like Prophet Jeff and Pastor Ani and Apostle Mario - and then a third generation - including those like myself and the Luckeys down to Charelle and Gary Jr.
Add to that mix the children of April, Chantilly, myself and many more and you see a four-fold set-up of apostolic 'fathers' and 'sons'.
Rarely is something of that depth seen, with 'fathers' and 'sons' of this caliber. Lord, what are we about to see come down to Earth?
Unity can always go deeper, even among the first Apostles and Church unity was something that grew from the day of Pentecost forward.
The deeper we go, continuing to build the foundations and governmental structures among four generations so that when what will be given to us can be sustained forever, the closer we get to having the outpouring of signs, wonders and miracles in unseen fashion bestowed upon us.
It's coming. The atmosphere generated by members of dozens of church bodies in unity with one another at Healing Song is an encouragement that we are going in the right direction. We just need more of it and the continuation of a greater quality of what we tasted Sunday night.
It IS coming.
Peace,
La. Sra.
Unity is the key that ushers in greater power and indwelling of the Holy Spirit among a group of believers. There are times it is achieved on a low level and other times when it is palatable in the air.
Such was Sunday night at Southgate Church.
I had the pleasure of sitting up in the sound booth for the first hour of the service and the view was incredible. The initial rush of people into the sanctuary was incredible. There was almost a rush of wind carried in as a semi-orderly flow of people hurried to their seats.
It was a rare time that I have seen people cheering louder for Christ than they do for sporting events - the roar was almost deafening - as if amplified by angels that surrounded the place.
Unity brings in so many things that are not seen normally. Black, White, Interracial, Hispanic, maybe Asian - all in the same place, worshiping the same Jesus. Some from Indiana, some from Baltimore, some from Detroit, some from Georgia, some from Chicago, some from God only knows where.
We surely pulled down a small piece of Heaven that night. Anyone there can tell you. It was such a preview of the things to come.
One of my favorite parts of the few Healing Song services I have been to is near the 'afterset' where the 'kids' somehow take the stage, from toddler on up to mid-20s, and manage to take the mics.
The next revival has been prophesied to be greater than that at Azousa Street - mainly because the governmental structures are in place to continue its growth - something that was missing at Azousa.
And when I look at the 'kids', I see it. I see Apostle Coates and those near him; then under him - a second generation of leaders like Prophet Jeff and Pastor Ani and Apostle Mario - and then a third generation - including those like myself and the Luckeys down to Charelle and Gary Jr.
Add to that mix the children of April, Chantilly, myself and many more and you see a four-fold set-up of apostolic 'fathers' and 'sons'.
Rarely is something of that depth seen, with 'fathers' and 'sons' of this caliber. Lord, what are we about to see come down to Earth?
Unity can always go deeper, even among the first Apostles and Church unity was something that grew from the day of Pentecost forward.
The deeper we go, continuing to build the foundations and governmental structures among four generations so that when what will be given to us can be sustained forever, the closer we get to having the outpouring of signs, wonders and miracles in unseen fashion bestowed upon us.
It's coming. The atmosphere generated by members of dozens of church bodies in unity with one another at Healing Song is an encouragement that we are going in the right direction. We just need more of it and the continuation of a greater quality of what we tasted Sunday night.
It IS coming.
Peace,
La. Sra.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Heartbreaking lie
I have, in recent months, heard from the mouth of several Christians something along the lines of 'it is impossible to know the mind of God' and their tone is that if you claim to have insight on what He wants and that you speak in such a way that claims as much you are a heretic and are blaspheming.
And the more I hear this coming from people who do have a genuine love for Jesus the more I ache for them. It reminds me of the passage in Acts where the apostles go into a church formed after the scattering and ask what baptism they have had as believers and to the surprise of the apostles they have only had the baptism of John.
How much they were missing!!!!
But, even with only that baptism, deep down in their souls loved Jesus.
My ache turns into righteous indignation only when I try to present the scriptural basis for how we can know the Mind and Heart of God and they refuse to believe that those scriptures are real. They would prefer to live in a helpless world of wandering in the dark than gaining the freedom that is found in the Word.
It is an unsettling concept, one that carries great responsibility and weight, but one that frees us in a way that is indescribable.
And I begin to watch the naysayers closely, looking at every little detail in their relationships, and what I see is not surprising.
In many ways, we relate to others the way we relate to God. What we do is more telling than any words we could say. And the reflection of this mindset that we cannot begin to know the Mind of God is reflected in the superficiality of their relationships - and even some of the deeper relationships they have with others goes little past the surface.
Man man and Woman man - both made in the image of God. The Body is not referred to the Bride as a simple metaphor. We are modeled after the Trinity.
The Holy Spirit was not given just to empower us. No, the Holy Spirit is a counselor. That description of the Holy Spirit is one of the first ways Jesus described it as He told the 11 and others at His ascension to wait for it in Jerusalem.
And the greatest beauty and one of the most awe-inspiring things about the Holy Spirit is that the Holy Spirit searches the most inner reaches of God's own Heart and Mind. The Holy Spirit seeks that out of Him and counsels us - we creatures that are lower than angels and had to be bought with death.
The inner most things of His Heart and Mind are available to us through the Holy Spirit.
A GOOD husband doesn't hide is innermost being from his wife, just as she does not hide herself from a man that truly loves her. She is let in on his desires, on his wishes, on what drives him. She finishes his sentences. She knows when his heart hurts. She knows what his favorite meal is. She knows HIM - because he has let himself be open to a woman who was willing to learn.
It is the same with with God. The Holy Spirit is the vehicle to learn these things and so much more about Him - our Husband. Not a Husband like what most people understand a marriage to be - but for a willing Wife, the most glorious of intimacy is available to Her - which, as a woman I can say this - is the most important aspect of a marriage to a woman. We as the Bride are allowed unfettered access to our Husband's Heart and Mind as much as we are willing to drink it in.
They who say that this is heresy, blasphemy, reveal the state of their spirits and souls and makes plain the level of credence they give to the Holy Spirit and His role in our lives.
Those who reject that it is possible, when argument for it is made, would do well to long, hard look at their relationships and see how broken and superficial they really are. Because if we can't let God in through the counselor of His inner most thoughts, as believers, who can we truly let in?
Peace,
La. Sra.
And the more I hear this coming from people who do have a genuine love for Jesus the more I ache for them. It reminds me of the passage in Acts where the apostles go into a church formed after the scattering and ask what baptism they have had as believers and to the surprise of the apostles they have only had the baptism of John.
How much they were missing!!!!
But, even with only that baptism, deep down in their souls loved Jesus.
My ache turns into righteous indignation only when I try to present the scriptural basis for how we can know the Mind and Heart of God and they refuse to believe that those scriptures are real. They would prefer to live in a helpless world of wandering in the dark than gaining the freedom that is found in the Word.
It is an unsettling concept, one that carries great responsibility and weight, but one that frees us in a way that is indescribable.
And I begin to watch the naysayers closely, looking at every little detail in their relationships, and what I see is not surprising.
In many ways, we relate to others the way we relate to God. What we do is more telling than any words we could say. And the reflection of this mindset that we cannot begin to know the Mind of God is reflected in the superficiality of their relationships - and even some of the deeper relationships they have with others goes little past the surface.
Man man and Woman man - both made in the image of God. The Body is not referred to the Bride as a simple metaphor. We are modeled after the Trinity.
The Holy Spirit was not given just to empower us. No, the Holy Spirit is a counselor. That description of the Holy Spirit is one of the first ways Jesus described it as He told the 11 and others at His ascension to wait for it in Jerusalem.
And the greatest beauty and one of the most awe-inspiring things about the Holy Spirit is that the Holy Spirit searches the most inner reaches of God's own Heart and Mind. The Holy Spirit seeks that out of Him and counsels us - we creatures that are lower than angels and had to be bought with death.
The inner most things of His Heart and Mind are available to us through the Holy Spirit.
A GOOD husband doesn't hide is innermost being from his wife, just as she does not hide herself from a man that truly loves her. She is let in on his desires, on his wishes, on what drives him. She finishes his sentences. She knows when his heart hurts. She knows what his favorite meal is. She knows HIM - because he has let himself be open to a woman who was willing to learn.
It is the same with with God. The Holy Spirit is the vehicle to learn these things and so much more about Him - our Husband. Not a Husband like what most people understand a marriage to be - but for a willing Wife, the most glorious of intimacy is available to Her - which, as a woman I can say this - is the most important aspect of a marriage to a woman. We as the Bride are allowed unfettered access to our Husband's Heart and Mind as much as we are willing to drink it in.
They who say that this is heresy, blasphemy, reveal the state of their spirits and souls and makes plain the level of credence they give to the Holy Spirit and His role in our lives.
Those who reject that it is possible, when argument for it is made, would do well to long, hard look at their relationships and see how broken and superficial they really are. Because if we can't let God in through the counselor of His inner most thoughts, as believers, who can we truly let in?
Peace,
La. Sra.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Renewed desire . . .
It's been almost two years since I've posted on here. New home, new life, stronger faith and older babies.
For the most part I will most likely use this venue for new pieces and the occasional update on the family life.
I was thinking about Rich the other night. He always said he'd write the forward to any book I ever wrote. I almost wonder if he did it and left it somewhere. I'm sure his parents haven't moved things since he died, even though it will be 7 years come August. Someday the book will happen. He would be proud. God I do miss him, terribly some days.
My babies are now 4 and 2 and they amaze me every day. They minister to me in ways I never imagined possible.
I have so many things running through my head most days I want to get them down somewhere so they are not lost - so this may be a place where I end up dumping mentally, but for me, healing and revelation are found in the process - has happened that way for years - and perhaps people can find their own healing from my process.
It is late. I must be going, more possibly tomorrow.
La. Sra.
For the most part I will most likely use this venue for new pieces and the occasional update on the family life.
I was thinking about Rich the other night. He always said he'd write the forward to any book I ever wrote. I almost wonder if he did it and left it somewhere. I'm sure his parents haven't moved things since he died, even though it will be 7 years come August. Someday the book will happen. He would be proud. God I do miss him, terribly some days.
My babies are now 4 and 2 and they amaze me every day. They minister to me in ways I never imagined possible.
I have so many things running through my head most days I want to get them down somewhere so they are not lost - so this may be a place where I end up dumping mentally, but for me, healing and revelation are found in the process - has happened that way for years - and perhaps people can find their own healing from my process.
It is late. I must be going, more possibly tomorrow.
La. Sra.
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