(Yet Untitled) 8-17-2010
Why is asking for genuine love like asking for the world? Is it so hard?
I want a love that is in the same vein as the love I give.
Is taking the time to truly know me - to know what makes me tick - to learn what small things bring me the greatest joy - and security - and act on what you learn so hard?
If it isn't, then why do you shove me into your pre-made mold of what I should be and enjoy? If not, then why do you throw my concerns back in my face when I try and broach the topic of what could be done to make me feel more loved and secure in us? Is your pride and ego really worth more than my trust?
Is it too hard to listen to my words and discern my heart and act on it?
If it isn't, then why do you shut down the minute I open my mouth to let you in on the most intimate thoughts and wishes of my heart and soul?
Don't say you don't. In your lack of words your clinched jaw, your breathing pattern, the tangible brick wall of your heart gives you away. That pain I can only handle so long before I back away. Don't think I don't know you that well.
Is it too hard for you to believe that I truly love you and no one else? You fear someone else will steal my gaze, when the truth is I choose on one but you.
Yet, you wonder why I shut down. Why I am silent when you ask my heart. Not only is the rejection tangible, but its hard to open up to someone who's spirit screams of wanting to flee and who's spirit exudes the sense of obligation rather than true love and desire.
Even when I do open up - why do you use my words against me later? Why can you not believe the validity of my words? Why do you laugh at some of the things I say? Are they so absurd to you that you cannot believe they come from the deepest parts of my being?
Why also do you run away when I try to pull the greatness that is in you to the surface? If you saw yourself the way I do, you would leap at the chance to come higher.
Yes, the demand and pull is great, but would I pull on you like that if I wasn't prepared and ready to nurture and do everything possible to see you succeed? Yet you run away.
I want to love you like no other before you. You are the one given to me - and yet - even if that was not already done I would still choose you to love. Why is that so hard to believe?
I want to lavish you with beautiful things and make the greatest memories with you, yet you reject what I give you because you cannot see that you are worth the expense - or worse - you suspect the motive. Have I ever given you a reason to worry? I will never change my mind regarding you.
I want so earnestly for you to truly love me.
For you to put away every preconceived notion you have of how you should love me and hear my heart through my words - see my soul in my deeds - and want to love me in a way where I can trust you the most intimate parts of my being.
It is in that place that we can be side by side, moving forward toward the beauty of the marriage that has been foretold since the foundations of the Earth.
I didn't die and rise to Glory for anything less than this.
Yes, I may be asking for the world - but it is because I have already bought the world with my Blood and placed it on your hand as a pledge of the marriage we will have once your willing to enter into it.
Do you dare say, 'I Do'?
©Kristen Garcia 8/10
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(Preface: I have been on the receiving end of the pain related to the greatest betrayal possible from a spouse, and on the giving end of forgiveness of that transgression and leaving an open door for them to come home to. That is only made possible because of the strength drawn from in the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, who, must extend that type of forgiveness with every sin we participate in. It is only drawing from that source that makes walking in love and forgiveness in the same way that Christ does with us even possible. Having been on the giving end of that, I translated it to what it looks like for us, as a Bride/Body, every day as one who betrays our Husband in our sins.)
The Story of Us All - 2-12-10
I turn the key and walk in, I can smell the sweet aroma of dinner.
You look over your shoulder from the stove and smile - a warm welcome.
I hurry to you and give you a quick kiss, hoping you can't tell.
But, even the smell of dinner cannot mask the smell of a man that is not you.
I hurry off to change, hoping to keep the evening moving along.
You call down the hall - dinner is done. Your voice's tone marked with a tinge of pain.
Dinner, a kiss, a long embrace, how can you not know by now?
But this is not the first time, nor the same lover - its become something of a sickly familiar routine.
But, it has been, what seems like forever since the last time. It is an improvement.
You never asked why and I'm not sure I could have an answer myself.
He wasn't a good lover - you know my body unlike any other.
His eyes didn't light up with anything but lust - no match for your tender passion.
He didn't even smell good - an old shirt of yours lays next to me when you're gone so I can sleep.
So why? I don't know. I never do.
Your friends warned you long ago - If she did it once, she will do it again - you simply said you loved me. They called you a fool.
And now, sitting across the table from you, I dare not see if that love still lingers in your eyes.
I hurriedly finish the meal - my favorite - and rush to leave, unable to bear my guilt and pain any longer.
But as I get up you reach for my hand, squeeze it gently, and let me go.
I retreat to the shower, hoping to at least get the smell of my lover out of my hair, my skin, my soul.
I look up from brushing my hair to see you in the doorway, watching me.
For the first time since I arrived our eyes meet; and yes - the love I have always known is still there.
You walk over and wrap your arms around me. You simply whisper 'I love you, my wife, my beautiful bride.'
My tears, my broken spirit, my weakened body say more in that moment than a simple 'I'm sorry,', no matter how sincere and genuine they would be.
There will be time enough for that later, but for now, I collapse into the arms of a fool, who, with all I have done to him, still loves me like the day we were married.
©Kristen Garcia 7/2010
Why is asking for genuine love like asking for the world? Is it so hard?
I want a love that is in the same vein as the love I give.
Is taking the time to truly know me - to know what makes me tick - to learn what small things bring me the greatest joy - and security - and act on what you learn so hard?
If it isn't, then why do you shove me into your pre-made mold of what I should be and enjoy? If not, then why do you throw my concerns back in my face when I try and broach the topic of what could be done to make me feel more loved and secure in us? Is your pride and ego really worth more than my trust?
Is it too hard to listen to my words and discern my heart and act on it?
If it isn't, then why do you shut down the minute I open my mouth to let you in on the most intimate thoughts and wishes of my heart and soul?
Don't say you don't. In your lack of words your clinched jaw, your breathing pattern, the tangible brick wall of your heart gives you away. That pain I can only handle so long before I back away. Don't think I don't know you that well.
Is it too hard for you to believe that I truly love you and no one else? You fear someone else will steal my gaze, when the truth is I choose on one but you.
Yet, you wonder why I shut down. Why I am silent when you ask my heart. Not only is the rejection tangible, but its hard to open up to someone who's spirit screams of wanting to flee and who's spirit exudes the sense of obligation rather than true love and desire.
Even when I do open up - why do you use my words against me later? Why can you not believe the validity of my words? Why do you laugh at some of the things I say? Are they so absurd to you that you cannot believe they come from the deepest parts of my being?
Why also do you run away when I try to pull the greatness that is in you to the surface? If you saw yourself the way I do, you would leap at the chance to come higher.
Yes, the demand and pull is great, but would I pull on you like that if I wasn't prepared and ready to nurture and do everything possible to see you succeed? Yet you run away.
I want to love you like no other before you. You are the one given to me - and yet - even if that was not already done I would still choose you to love. Why is that so hard to believe?
I want to lavish you with beautiful things and make the greatest memories with you, yet you reject what I give you because you cannot see that you are worth the expense - or worse - you suspect the motive. Have I ever given you a reason to worry? I will never change my mind regarding you.
I want so earnestly for you to truly love me.
For you to put away every preconceived notion you have of how you should love me and hear my heart through my words - see my soul in my deeds - and want to love me in a way where I can trust you the most intimate parts of my being.
It is in that place that we can be side by side, moving forward toward the beauty of the marriage that has been foretold since the foundations of the Earth.
I didn't die and rise to Glory for anything less than this.
Yes, I may be asking for the world - but it is because I have already bought the world with my Blood and placed it on your hand as a pledge of the marriage we will have once your willing to enter into it.
Do you dare say, 'I Do'?
©Kristen Garcia 8/10
---------------------------------------------------
(Preface: I have been on the receiving end of the pain related to the greatest betrayal possible from a spouse, and on the giving end of forgiveness of that transgression and leaving an open door for them to come home to. That is only made possible because of the strength drawn from in the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, who, must extend that type of forgiveness with every sin we participate in. It is only drawing from that source that makes walking in love and forgiveness in the same way that Christ does with us even possible. Having been on the giving end of that, I translated it to what it looks like for us, as a Bride/Body, every day as one who betrays our Husband in our sins.)
The Story of Us All - 2-12-10
I turn the key and walk in, I can smell the sweet aroma of dinner.
You look over your shoulder from the stove and smile - a warm welcome.
I hurry to you and give you a quick kiss, hoping you can't tell.
But, even the smell of dinner cannot mask the smell of a man that is not you.
I hurry off to change, hoping to keep the evening moving along.
You call down the hall - dinner is done. Your voice's tone marked with a tinge of pain.
Dinner, a kiss, a long embrace, how can you not know by now?
But this is not the first time, nor the same lover - its become something of a sickly familiar routine.
But, it has been, what seems like forever since the last time. It is an improvement.
You never asked why and I'm not sure I could have an answer myself.
He wasn't a good lover - you know my body unlike any other.
His eyes didn't light up with anything but lust - no match for your tender passion.
He didn't even smell good - an old shirt of yours lays next to me when you're gone so I can sleep.
So why? I don't know. I never do.
Your friends warned you long ago - If she did it once, she will do it again - you simply said you loved me. They called you a fool.
And now, sitting across the table from you, I dare not see if that love still lingers in your eyes.
I hurriedly finish the meal - my favorite - and rush to leave, unable to bear my guilt and pain any longer.
But as I get up you reach for my hand, squeeze it gently, and let me go.
I retreat to the shower, hoping to at least get the smell of my lover out of my hair, my skin, my soul.
I look up from brushing my hair to see you in the doorway, watching me.
For the first time since I arrived our eyes meet; and yes - the love I have always known is still there.
You walk over and wrap your arms around me. You simply whisper 'I love you, my wife, my beautiful bride.'
My tears, my broken spirit, my weakened body say more in that moment than a simple 'I'm sorry,', no matter how sincere and genuine they would be.
There will be time enough for that later, but for now, I collapse into the arms of a fool, who, with all I have done to him, still loves me like the day we were married.
©Kristen Garcia 7/2010
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