It has only been a week, but it feels like a month, where I ended up with an insane Friday to round off a pretty long and heart wrenching couple of weeks.
Work. Love. Life. Intertwined in a way that sometimes simply doesn't make sense. And then there are those moments when it all does where the 'AH HA!' kicks in but doesn't necessarily lead to any materializing results.
Such was this Friday. I was able to get a bit of perspective, even if it did open up some wounds.
My previous position at the State was one that was the perfect marriage of my biology and media interests that could satisfy the continually twisted thinking of my mind. It was also one of great responsibility. And this is the source of my perspective.
At this job I was a resource for the Northern third of Indiana. There are approximately 1 Million people in this part of the state. I had the revelation early on in this job that every one of their lives were in my hands depending on the situation - H1N1, a major/wide-spread BT attack or zoonotic illness, etc.
But even in the more limited emergencies I was called in to give advice or assist in the response because peoples' lives were at risk - sometimes a few, sometimes several thousand - but nevertheless, if I did not do my job correctly people could get ill - or worse die.
I was asked one time by an old Resident Director from Huntington after a crazy meeting regarding pandemic influenza planning how I slept at night and I joked - lots of hard liquor. But in reality, I slept fine. I knew I was good at my job and had good people above me to use as resources. I knew I could do my job well.
Then last Friday. I ended up staying late to put out a ton of fires - only one was really a true 'fire' - and I realized that I've gone from my fires being of the level of people getting sick or dying to having to stay late to bitch with an agency about $5-$10 on the price of a commercial.
BITTER. PILL.
That was an eye opener and a bit of a heart breaker.
I know this is a time of transition - possibly a time of 'rest'. But that still doesn't remove the ache in my heart for the kind of position with similar responsibilities, duties and weight.
It will come and my dreams won't die. It's the time in between where endurance and character are built.
Happy Saturday. Monday will be here soon enough.
La. Sra.
