Mental Puking Vol. II

I've decided that I'm done, on a whole, of putting up with being treated like shit by people who claim to be my friends.

I have one in particular, who I'm just now finding after 9 years has done nothing but be nice to me only because she knew that I would do anything for her. But now when things hit a bump and I cannot help her in exactly the way she demands she becomes spiteful and hateful saying things only to hurt people in order to make them feel bad and apologize so she can continue to get her way.

I love being able to help my friends but when it comes out that I've basically been used for 9 years and that she's only grateful when things are good and given to her exactly the way she wants I don't take kindly to that. 

I have another, who sadly lost it one night and owes herself a huge apology for the way she portrayed herself to others. I can at least say that she wasn't just my friend to use me and I'm still a bit sad about us not speaking but when she creates and environment where people who have never met her leave her presence having no respect for her and that's only being around her for a couple of hours I don't need to deal with an attitude like that on top of everything else that I have to deal with. Nor do I need to show my daughter that it is OK for adults to throw 2-year-old style temper tantrums with throwing suitcases against walls, stomping around and slamming doors of a home, whether or not you own that property you're abusing at the time. Her spirit deserves an apology.

I hope that someday she can get to the root of whatever caused her to show a complete lack of self-respect and have people who've never met her describing her in ways I won't even put on here because they are that brutal because she has a lot to offer everyone if she'd just let Jesus fix that which is hurting so deeply.

The first person I refer to in this blog showed how little she really knows me after 9 years by a text message she sent me trying to cut deep enough that I guess she'd expect me to come grovelling back.

I will admit, up until college I really went through life with almost no close friends. I always got along better with adults than people my own age, and that still rings true. I always relied on myself and Christ.

As I've grown in my faith I have found that if you really do have a good relationship with Jesus then you can honestly say that you can live without pretty much anyone. Now, granted, no parent ever wants to bury their child, so I can say I'd rather bury my husband than Elena if I had to decide, as I think most mothers would. But other than that choice if I have to be all alone in order to be in a right relationship with Jesus then I'd do it in a heartbeat.

She obviously doesn't know that because she tries to strike close enough to my heart by hurtful comments about losing her friendship and ad hominim attacks and it doesn't have its intended effect. I could tell the other day when she sent one of her last text messages that I was definately in the Spirit because other time when I hadn't been a comment or two of hers cut deeply, but this last time my spirit just got a whisper of 'She doesn't know you, does she?' with the added comfort that comes with the surrounding of the Holy Spirit. It is, unfortunately, a feeling I do not allow myself to have often enough.

Can I get a ' I hate my humanity' witness here in the house?????

There is no reason to surround yourself with people who treat you like shit - and do not build you up in Jesus. This, however, is different than having people in your social circle who do love you but are not at the same level of faith as yourself. I've been doing that for a long time. Hell, my marriage is a perfect example of this. Even those who are not Christian can still add flavor to your life if they are the right types of people and you should never forsake those friendships unless they bring you down or there are mitigating circumstances that make that relationship unhealthy.

If I really want to look back at the truest friends I've ever had that I lost I'd say the only one on that list is Rich. I've kinda lost Myla only because she moved to Texas and has this thing against computers and using her cell phone. But I still have Sheryl and Paul and in reality, that's all I really need, and even then if they were to go the hole in my spirit would be bigger than the one left by Rich's death but I would still go on. Only then would I really feel truly alone in terms of human kindred spirits. And to me, that doesn't seem like a bad place to be in - but I also can't wrap up my maturity in Jesus completely in those friendships, either, or when I do lose them to death I will stagnate worse than I am now after losing Rich.

There is that difference between a friend and a kindred spirit. Friends come and go, it hurts to a degree when the time to end a friendship comes but when you look at it if it doesn't involve a kindred spirit then the ability to move past it is unmeasurably easier than to lose someone who's closer to you and knows you better than your husband, than any other human on the face of the earth - only a step below the Holy Spirit at times. And usually that kindred spirit is a voice of the Holy Spirit and when you have that you learn the true value of the different kinds of friends.

I was accused at one point by Pastor Asshole II (btw Pastor Asshole I has been removed from the church and it happened around the same time as Jerry Falwell's death and when I heard the news I couldn't decide for which I was happier for - Jerry being scorched to almost nothing on the other side of eternity in the purificaiton fires or Pastor Asshole I being removed by the church, it really was a toss-up) of being a loner of sorts. I smiled smugly and he didn't take too kindly to that.

Sorry, when you've been through what I've been through in my life you learn that the only thing you need is the love of Jesus and a right relationship to him and humans really become nothing of huge importance to you except for when the Spirit tells you to make someone a priority in your life. I'd rather be alone with no or few humans around to talk to and be in a right relationship to Jesus. How many people can understand that? Not many.

It was also when he said that I knew the resurgence of the minion of Hell that's been chasing me for at least 5 years was immediately present in my presence and I knew where I needed to be in Jesus to make it through that hour of revelation of where the Pastors Assholes stood in their relationship with Jesus. Eh, I came through that fire unscathed and the demon was left without it's prize. Is. 54. No truer words ever spoken about my life. And some still ring true more than others today. (from biblegateway.com):

 14 In righteousness you will be established: 
       Tyranny will be far from you; 
       you will have nothing to fear. 
       Terror will be far removed; 
       it will not come near you.
 15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; 
       whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
 16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith 
       who fans the coals into flame 
       and forges a weapon fit for its work. 
       And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;
 17 no weapon forged against you will prevail, 
       and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. 
       This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, 
       and this is their vindication from me," 
       declares the LORD.
There is a good thing about that kindredship with others, you know when they rebuke you in love. If they tell you you're being an asshole you know they do it in love, no matter how harshly they say it. Even others who are not as kindred can give that revelation from the Holy Spirit, but you must be in a good relationship with Jesus in order to know when that rubke is out of love and not out of hurting just to hurt.

You also have to be a big enough person to recognize then when you've been an ass and not be too proud to say so. There are always two sides to a story and if even handling it with grace you can screw up at points. And then there are times where even handling it with grace there is still nothing you can do because the other person is not in a place in their maturity with Jesus to have a loving rebuke mean anything other than you're trying to be hurtful and they won't understand where it came from nor will they recognize their faults in the situation until that right relationship with Jesus happens.

If we can claim the grace of Jesus then we can claim the wretchedness of our humanity in the same stretch. Part of me just wants to say, can't we all act like the adults most of us are?!!!!???? But, the other part of me realizes that if there is no strong tie to Jesus then you can't expect that of anyone and continue to love them in their imperfections and await for the sonufabitch moment when the reality of their wretched humanity becomes clearer and truer than anything else they've ever known.

I remember that moment. It will scare the living shit out of you to realize the horribleness of yourself away from Jesus. The repentence and prostration before Jesus in that moment is so great, but the redemption in that revelation is so amazing that you will never look at life and yourself the same again. It also gives you a new perspective on what you did over the many years, and in that moment, you must remain in the Spirit as it is great fodder for Satan to stick his claws in and twist into control of the misery that he can create. But in the misery that is looking at yourself the way Jesus sees you away from Himself comes that redemption and freedom that you know who you are away from Jesus and you work harder not to be there ever again.

You treat people a little diffently. You look at actions based on right relationship with Jesus or are they not there yet. And in that you're more patient with people, but you put up with less shit as well. You know the truth behind the value of a kindredness with another human and you do separate yourself from more people, but, your level of forgiveness and patience with people to get to that moment with Jesus is 1000x-fold and open arms await those who make the trip back after the revelation.

You can't expect people to act in a mature way about their relationships, nor perfect. Everyone reverts back to their humanity at times. Even Sheryl in all her amazing gifts for being in the spirit has reverted to her humanity and it has caused a rift between us, but, even with that the Spirit healed both sides and we're closer than before. But that only has happened because of being in a right relationship with Jesus. It wouldn't have happened had we not been. There's no hard feelings, no mention of the things that happened because you know that Jesus has dealt with it.

I wish more of that could happen between more people in my past, but I doubt it. Those with real, true, understanding of what it means to be a Christian and in a relationship with Jesus are so few and far between you might only meet a handful in our 80-100 years on the Earth. How many can say that would be enough for them?

I can't tell you how many times my conversations, typically after 10 p.m., with Sheryl begin 'I hate my humanity!'. I don't even say hello, I don't say who it is and what do I get? I get that gruff smoker's laugh that lifts my spirit as the collaboration of one who's had that revelation and understand exactly what I mean. I'm smiling even now as I think of the countless calls. Thank Jesus for those people in my life. I must run up my phone bill more often.

OK, so I know my last few paragraphs were a little jumbled, but like I said, it's called mental puking for a reason.
I'm having trouble with the new beta version of draft.blogger.com so I'll try and get video up sooner than later, but it may have to wait until I get some time in Miami.

Love to all - I feel better now :)

La. Sra.