It has only been a week, but it feels like a month, where I ended up with an insane Friday to round off a pretty long and heart wrenching couple of weeks.
Work. Love. Life. Intertwined in a way that sometimes simply doesn't make sense. And then there are those moments when it all does where the 'AH HA!' kicks in but doesn't necessarily lead to any materializing results.
Such was this Friday. I was able to get a bit of perspective, even if it did open up some wounds.
My previous position at the State was one that was the perfect marriage of my biology and media interests that could satisfy the continually twisted thinking of my mind. It was also one of great responsibility. And this is the source of my perspective.
At this job I was a resource for the Northern third of Indiana. There are approximately 1 Million people in this part of the state. I had the revelation early on in this job that every one of their lives were in my hands depending on the situation - H1N1, a major/wide-spread BT attack or zoonotic illness, etc.
But even in the more limited emergencies I was called in to give advice or assist in the response because peoples' lives were at risk - sometimes a few, sometimes several thousand - but nevertheless, if I did not do my job correctly people could get ill - or worse die.
I was asked one time by an old Resident Director from Huntington after a crazy meeting regarding pandemic influenza planning how I slept at night and I joked - lots of hard liquor. But in reality, I slept fine. I knew I was good at my job and had good people above me to use as resources. I knew I could do my job well.
Then last Friday. I ended up staying late to put out a ton of fires - only one was really a true 'fire' - and I realized that I've gone from my fires being of the level of people getting sick or dying to having to stay late to bitch with an agency about $5-$10 on the price of a commercial.
BITTER. PILL.
That was an eye opener and a bit of a heart breaker.
I know this is a time of transition - possibly a time of 'rest'. But that still doesn't remove the ache in my heart for the kind of position with similar responsibilities, duties and weight.
It will come and my dreams won't die. It's the time in between where endurance and character are built.
Happy Saturday. Monday will be here soon enough.
La. Sra.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Transition
Rest.
What is that, really?
Can you have rest and be restless at the same time?
I'm in the midst of finding out. As much as I stand on solid rock I feel like its under a layer of sand. Little by little the sand keeps washing away and then piling back up again.
Every time I think I see a glimpse of the bedrock another wave comes and brings a new layer of sand.
There is so much more than this. I've seen it. I've tasted it. And in the blink of an eye its past my vision once again.
Provision is given, but so much more is promised. Scraping by has been my portion for far too long.
I'm sick of living in a way that chains me to things I hate, even if it is approved for me in this season. I know the lock is about to be blown away so I can flee and never look back and every day that its not frustrates me even more.
I lay down at night and take a deep breath, knowing with the next daybreak comes a life full of circular activities. The same route exercises leading to little joy and even less happiness. To lack an excitement for the beauty of a sunrise is not something I thought I'd ever know. As breathtaking as it is, the refreshment is quickly drained.
And yet, under all the sand is bedrock that will never be shaken. There is rest in that. Rest that the bills are taken care of. Rest that we are safe, healthy, and still laugh at the silliest of made up knock-knock jokes and eyes filled with mischief. Rest that even through the coming heartache and celebrations all provision shall be made.
But something has to shift - and soon. A dream - many dreams - deferred causes the heart to weaken. The Promises are on their way, faith and hope keep the dreams on life support, but also make the spirit groan and ache for their manifestation. When will 'more' become reality?
Rest mixed with restlessness. Its by far the shittiest place to be. I don't do it well. The last time I was here I had a driving force - a pitbull spirit that like an old, comfy pair of jeans, fit back on me perfectly and devoured many times the restlessness I did have.
I don't have that this time. These are new waters and I'm not learning to swim quick enough and its consuming my soul. I hate these trials. I'm not going to lie. Too many things being shaken and tossed at one time - and in a moment, a reminder from the Holy Spirit - God is shaking all that can be shaken - and its funny how that brings a wry smirk to my face.
Revelation. Wisdom. Understanding. The lifeblood and foundation for all things. The single element that brings peace - and with peace rest becomes possible. Maybe getting tossed in the water isn't such a bad thing after all. It wouldn't be the first - or third - time I've been told if you don't keep going you WILL die.
Things to learn. Processes not to forsake and hate. There is a purpose to the route madness, even if it is to minister to someone later. Maybe tomorrow won't be so agonizing after all.
And on that note - Now I lay me down to sleep - a rest in the Arms that hold me every night and place me in earshot of the Heartbeat that lulls my mind - my spirit - my body - to a Promised Rest.
La. Sra.
What is that, really?
Can you have rest and be restless at the same time?
I'm in the midst of finding out. As much as I stand on solid rock I feel like its under a layer of sand. Little by little the sand keeps washing away and then piling back up again.
Every time I think I see a glimpse of the bedrock another wave comes and brings a new layer of sand.
There is so much more than this. I've seen it. I've tasted it. And in the blink of an eye its past my vision once again.
Provision is given, but so much more is promised. Scraping by has been my portion for far too long.
I'm sick of living in a way that chains me to things I hate, even if it is approved for me in this season. I know the lock is about to be blown away so I can flee and never look back and every day that its not frustrates me even more.
I lay down at night and take a deep breath, knowing with the next daybreak comes a life full of circular activities. The same route exercises leading to little joy and even less happiness. To lack an excitement for the beauty of a sunrise is not something I thought I'd ever know. As breathtaking as it is, the refreshment is quickly drained.
And yet, under all the sand is bedrock that will never be shaken. There is rest in that. Rest that the bills are taken care of. Rest that we are safe, healthy, and still laugh at the silliest of made up knock-knock jokes and eyes filled with mischief. Rest that even through the coming heartache and celebrations all provision shall be made.
But something has to shift - and soon. A dream - many dreams - deferred causes the heart to weaken. The Promises are on their way, faith and hope keep the dreams on life support, but also make the spirit groan and ache for their manifestation. When will 'more' become reality?
Rest mixed with restlessness. Its by far the shittiest place to be. I don't do it well. The last time I was here I had a driving force - a pitbull spirit that like an old, comfy pair of jeans, fit back on me perfectly and devoured many times the restlessness I did have.
I don't have that this time. These are new waters and I'm not learning to swim quick enough and its consuming my soul. I hate these trials. I'm not going to lie. Too many things being shaken and tossed at one time - and in a moment, a reminder from the Holy Spirit - God is shaking all that can be shaken - and its funny how that brings a wry smirk to my face.
Revelation. Wisdom. Understanding. The lifeblood and foundation for all things. The single element that brings peace - and with peace rest becomes possible. Maybe getting tossed in the water isn't such a bad thing after all. It wouldn't be the first - or third - time I've been told if you don't keep going you WILL die.
Things to learn. Processes not to forsake and hate. There is a purpose to the route madness, even if it is to minister to someone later. Maybe tomorrow won't be so agonizing after all.
And on that note - Now I lay me down to sleep - a rest in the Arms that hold me every night and place me in earshot of the Heartbeat that lulls my mind - my spirit - my body - to a Promised Rest.
La. Sra.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Baptize the Blaze
The older I get the more beautiful I become.
The fires and snares meant to scar have only refined away the layers that hid the life beneath.
Old is torn away and the new is smooth as river rock tossed by the waves for decades.
The softening of wisdom, the quickening of response, the warmth of a heart rebuilt.
Dreams that were forgotten - for the pain of hoping for them was too much to bear - renewed with a fire in an instant.
Tears of a wrenched heart baptize the blaze but never again shall the fire go out.
Incense dances up, filling the air with the lingering reminder of the promises made that remain ahead.
Nearly transformed - barely an image of the life before - unrecognizable to the things in the past. Changed in such a way that the chains from the old can no longer cling.
Days ahead of pain and joy, laughter and hurt, dancing and love.
Every tear; Every shattered piece of heart; every cry of deep-welled emotion - they lay the cobblestones to road that ends in peace - to dreams made real.
©Kristen Garcia 6/2011
The fires and snares meant to scar have only refined away the layers that hid the life beneath.
Old is torn away and the new is smooth as river rock tossed by the waves for decades.
The softening of wisdom, the quickening of response, the warmth of a heart rebuilt.
Dreams that were forgotten - for the pain of hoping for them was too much to bear - renewed with a fire in an instant.
Tears of a wrenched heart baptize the blaze but never again shall the fire go out.
Incense dances up, filling the air with the lingering reminder of the promises made that remain ahead.
Nearly transformed - barely an image of the life before - unrecognizable to the things in the past. Changed in such a way that the chains from the old can no longer cling.
Days ahead of pain and joy, laughter and hurt, dancing and love.
Every tear; Every shattered piece of heart; every cry of deep-welled emotion - they lay the cobblestones to road that ends in peace - to dreams made real.
©Kristen Garcia 6/2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
To You
It is in the smallest of moments that our real selves are revealed.
When the truest things of a heart become fodder for ridicule by those who claim to love you it eases the pain of walking away. Sometimes you don't look back - and that's OK.
To stand alone is greater than walking exposed in a masquerade. To walk alone better than trying to associate with those who are found in the off-guard moments to be untrue.
Cling to dreams, no matter how small - no matter how elaborate. Hope is not in vain, dreams are not energy wasted.
Know who loves you; know who truly doesn't. Remember that truth, when revealed, brings joy in the midst of pain - in the midst of sorrow - in the midst of loneliness - even if it doesn't erase.
Reach out to those who say they love you - but if invitations fail to be received keep on going. If they are true to you they know how to find you.
If they know you the way they say they do they will pursue the blessings they have from the time with you. Therein lies a test of faithfulness.
Allow yourself to be pursued. The one who sees the treasure you are will stop at nothing to attain it. Make them work for you, but do not frustrate them unless necessary.
Do not lose heart. Walk with your head held high. Kick the enemy's ass. Never lose the brightness in your eyes.
©Kristen Garcia 5/2011
When the truest things of a heart become fodder for ridicule by those who claim to love you it eases the pain of walking away. Sometimes you don't look back - and that's OK.
To stand alone is greater than walking exposed in a masquerade. To walk alone better than trying to associate with those who are found in the off-guard moments to be untrue.
Cling to dreams, no matter how small - no matter how elaborate. Hope is not in vain, dreams are not energy wasted.
Know who loves you; know who truly doesn't. Remember that truth, when revealed, brings joy in the midst of pain - in the midst of sorrow - in the midst of loneliness - even if it doesn't erase.
Reach out to those who say they love you - but if invitations fail to be received keep on going. If they are true to you they know how to find you.
If they know you the way they say they do they will pursue the blessings they have from the time with you. Therein lies a test of faithfulness.
Allow yourself to be pursued. The one who sees the treasure you are will stop at nothing to attain it. Make them work for you, but do not frustrate them unless necessary.
Do not lose heart. Walk with your head held high. Kick the enemy's ass. Never lose the brightness in your eyes.
©Kristen Garcia 5/2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Untitled 1
There comes a time in every story where the hero begins winning the battles;
A point in a treasure hunt when a jewel is revealed;
A place where long-held dreams move out of the heart and into reality;
A day where the beauty of a sunset outweighs the clarity of a New Moon sky.
©Kristen Garcia 5/2011
A point in a treasure hunt when a jewel is revealed;
A place where long-held dreams move out of the heart and into reality;
A day where the beauty of a sunset outweighs the clarity of a New Moon sky.
©Kristen Garcia 5/2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Back to Good
Laying in bed, head pounding
Too sick to stand, too tired to sleep.
But alas the running of little feet,
The happy hollers from three rooms away,
That change on a dime to disgruntled screams
Are only a sign that at least a couple of us in the house
Are back to good after a long week's mess.
Selah
La. Sra.
©Kristen Garcia 2/2011
Too sick to stand, too tired to sleep.
But alas the running of little feet,
The happy hollers from three rooms away,
That change on a dime to disgruntled screams
Are only a sign that at least a couple of us in the house
Are back to good after a long week's mess.
Selah
La. Sra.
©Kristen Garcia 2/2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Smorgisboard
The temperatures have risen just enough to make the snow melt and what is left behind be heavy. If it could just stay this warm for another day my driveway would probably be down to the concrete, but I have a feeling that's not going to be happening.
I was going to get to this over the weekend since the kids were not here, but, I decided to veg and lay in bed half of my Saturday and do absolutely nothing the rest of the day. Its a rare convergence of situations that I try not to pass up. I probably won't see another day like that for a good 4+ months.
So - here are some of the newest nuggets from my spirit, in no particular order:
-------------------
Ps. 138:2 AMP (thank you Bible Gateway.com):
2I will worship toward Your holy temple and praise Your name for Your loving-kindness and for Your truth and faithfulness; for You have exalted above all else Your name and Your word and You have magnified Your word above all Your name!
The item in this passage that caught me was the part about the word being above the name. For some reason that perplexed me. Isn't His Name above all things?? All things would include His Word, no?
Then the Holy Spirit made an interesting point - what good is His Name if His Word means nothing? It is the Word, and His faithfulness to watch over His Word and keep His Word that is the foundation for His Name carrying the weight that it does.
How many people do we have in our lives that promise to do this or that or be on time or anything and then fail us? How many of us would be willing to risk our own reputations to give a positive recommendation of those people for jobs or for others to befriend? Very few of us would - or we would but be very open about the serious shortcomings in those peoples' trustworthiness.
Their names would mean nothing because their own disregard for integrity would have brought their name down in weight.
Action - or inaction - on what we have said determines the way our names are magnified - and God is no different.
---------------------
Son vs. Holy Spirit
Mark 3:28-9 (NIV Biblegateway.com)
Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter, 29 but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin.”
Ahhh the 3 in 1 Godhead. All parts are equal, right? So, how if, in the time of this text, slandering Jesus Himself can be forgiven, but, go after the Holy Spirit and it's Hellfire, pestilence, brimstone and NO SOUP for you?! This didn't seem to make sense.
Verse 30 goes on to say that He said this because the scribes were saying Jesus had a demon/was of Beelzebub, but that still didn't seem to explain why there would be this break in equality of the Trinity.
The more I meditated on this the more it was revealed that, in this time, Jesus still had not died, therefore had not yet risen again or ascended so the Holy Spirit was still in a holding pattern around Him, waiting for the moment at Pentecost to be released among the entire Earth.
At this point, people could still take Him or leave Him in His statement of being the Son of Man/God. They could refuse Him because His greatest act had not yet been done. It was still conceivable to the Jews that He really was just a super-prophet - the return of Elijah - working side-by-side with John the Baptist and the predecessor to the Messiah.
That disbelief and rejection could still be forgiven.
But to reject the Holy Spirit would pretty much (not totally) have to come at Pentecost and later. At a point where Jesus had already died, risen and ascended. His victory over all things at that point had been secured and to reject Him as the Messiah and the evidence of Him through the Holy Spirit crosses that line.
Now, I'll be the first to admit (and my bff will not hesitate to concur b/c she's usually the one chiding me) I've called God a liar, even for brief moments. Anytime we say something is totally impossible we call God a liar.
Does that condemn me to Hell and NO SOUP for me?! Ummm, I've gotten good enough that as soon as I hear my spirit say something like that I catch myself and repent - so as long as I don't die in the 3 seconds between uttering it in my heart and repenting I'm probably OK, he he. But it takes work to re-train the mind to really truly believe all the things that He has said and promised.
Like a husband. God knows I know He's said a good one is on the way. But dammit, if I don't get him in my life soon by the time he does show up I'm gonna be like 'Ummmmm, you weren't here when I really needed you so, um, I can live without. Thanks for playing though.' And send him packing. Poor thing wouldn't have a chance. And don't think I'm not that stubborn.
And trust me, after seeing a bunch of guys at O'Hare Airport walking around in skinny jeans I can be celibate for the rest of my life without ANY issues. My mental eye has been forever burned with those nasty images - worse than when I was a swimmer, believe it or not!
But it is what God has promised. And I do want it - I want it ALL - even if it is seemingly after a season of when I could really use it (like the husband and a great breakthrough in my finances). The Holy Spirit whispers to us (and sometimes screams it at us) the Word and the meditations of the Heart of God.
And, to tag into the previous post - if His Word is worthless, so is His Name. He is faithful to do what He says He will do - and the Holy Spirit reminds us of this - to say that what the Holy Spirit reveals is fake and lies is to do what is mentioned in verse 29 - it calls God a liar and reveals our lack of faith and trust and is a signal of unbelief.
Its a daily battle, but one that is slowly becoming one in which I am more and more victorious. I would like to not grieve His heart as much. Greatness is to be bestowed to those willing to receive it.
------------------------
I am continually reminded of something Apostle said at the end of a song on 24/7:
'We are that company of people who dare to believe that You are who the Bible says You are; You can do what the Bible says You can do; and we can have what the Bible says we can have; and we can do what the Bible says we can do; and we are that group of people who are crazy enough to just believe it and bet our lives on it - day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.'
God will have His people - and I surely will be part of that heritage. And yes, I'd bet my life on any and all of His promises any day, any time, minus the few seconds of unbelief that manifests every now and then (yes, I know the man of my dreams is on his way and my provision is secured).
He either is God and all His Word is infallible - every last letter - or we can't trust any of it - including the birth, death, resurrection and ascension of Jesus - the very foundation of our salvation - and where does that really leave us? Bordering on the NO SOUP for you line with the other goats that have been weeded out of the herd.
He is the I AM. Plain and simple. And I love that, and trust that. He's the only faithful real man I've ever had (Monty's been eunuched so he can't count, sorry sweetie) and His Word is Truth. Hmm, time for that soup ;)
Peace!
La. Sra.
I was going to get to this over the weekend since the kids were not here, but, I decided to veg and lay in bed half of my Saturday and do absolutely nothing the rest of the day. Its a rare convergence of situations that I try not to pass up. I probably won't see another day like that for a good 4+ months.
So - here are some of the newest nuggets from my spirit, in no particular order:
-------------------
Ps. 138:2 AMP (thank you Bible Gateway.com):
2I will worship toward Your holy temple and praise Your name for Your loving-kindness and for Your truth and faithfulness; for You have exalted above all else Your name and Your word and You have magnified Your word above all Your name!
The item in this passage that caught me was the part about the word being above the name. For some reason that perplexed me. Isn't His Name above all things?? All things would include His Word, no?
Then the Holy Spirit made an interesting point - what good is His Name if His Word means nothing? It is the Word, and His faithfulness to watch over His Word and keep His Word that is the foundation for His Name carrying the weight that it does.
How many people do we have in our lives that promise to do this or that or be on time or anything and then fail us? How many of us would be willing to risk our own reputations to give a positive recommendation of those people for jobs or for others to befriend? Very few of us would - or we would but be very open about the serious shortcomings in those peoples' trustworthiness.
Their names would mean nothing because their own disregard for integrity would have brought their name down in weight.
Action - or inaction - on what we have said determines the way our names are magnified - and God is no different.
---------------------
Son vs. Holy Spirit
Mark 3:28-9 (NIV Biblegateway.com)
Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter, 29 but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin.”
Ahhh the 3 in 1 Godhead. All parts are equal, right? So, how if, in the time of this text, slandering Jesus Himself can be forgiven, but, go after the Holy Spirit and it's Hellfire, pestilence, brimstone and NO SOUP for you?! This didn't seem to make sense.
Verse 30 goes on to say that He said this because the scribes were saying Jesus had a demon/was of Beelzebub, but that still didn't seem to explain why there would be this break in equality of the Trinity.
The more I meditated on this the more it was revealed that, in this time, Jesus still had not died, therefore had not yet risen again or ascended so the Holy Spirit was still in a holding pattern around Him, waiting for the moment at Pentecost to be released among the entire Earth.
At this point, people could still take Him or leave Him in His statement of being the Son of Man/God. They could refuse Him because His greatest act had not yet been done. It was still conceivable to the Jews that He really was just a super-prophet - the return of Elijah - working side-by-side with John the Baptist and the predecessor to the Messiah.
That disbelief and rejection could still be forgiven.
But to reject the Holy Spirit would pretty much (not totally) have to come at Pentecost and later. At a point where Jesus had already died, risen and ascended. His victory over all things at that point had been secured and to reject Him as the Messiah and the evidence of Him through the Holy Spirit crosses that line.
Now, I'll be the first to admit (and my bff will not hesitate to concur b/c she's usually the one chiding me) I've called God a liar, even for brief moments. Anytime we say something is totally impossible we call God a liar.
Does that condemn me to Hell and NO SOUP for me?! Ummm, I've gotten good enough that as soon as I hear my spirit say something like that I catch myself and repent - so as long as I don't die in the 3 seconds between uttering it in my heart and repenting I'm probably OK, he he. But it takes work to re-train the mind to really truly believe all the things that He has said and promised.
Like a husband. God knows I know He's said a good one is on the way. But dammit, if I don't get him in my life soon by the time he does show up I'm gonna be like 'Ummmmm, you weren't here when I really needed you so, um, I can live without. Thanks for playing though.' And send him packing. Poor thing wouldn't have a chance. And don't think I'm not that stubborn.
And trust me, after seeing a bunch of guys at O'Hare Airport walking around in skinny jeans I can be celibate for the rest of my life without ANY issues. My mental eye has been forever burned with those nasty images - worse than when I was a swimmer, believe it or not!
But it is what God has promised. And I do want it - I want it ALL - even if it is seemingly after a season of when I could really use it (like the husband and a great breakthrough in my finances). The Holy Spirit whispers to us (and sometimes screams it at us) the Word and the meditations of the Heart of God.
And, to tag into the previous post - if His Word is worthless, so is His Name. He is faithful to do what He says He will do - and the Holy Spirit reminds us of this - to say that what the Holy Spirit reveals is fake and lies is to do what is mentioned in verse 29 - it calls God a liar and reveals our lack of faith and trust and is a signal of unbelief.
Its a daily battle, but one that is slowly becoming one in which I am more and more victorious. I would like to not grieve His heart as much. Greatness is to be bestowed to those willing to receive it.
------------------------
I am continually reminded of something Apostle said at the end of a song on 24/7:
'We are that company of people who dare to believe that You are who the Bible says You are; You can do what the Bible says You can do; and we can have what the Bible says we can have; and we can do what the Bible says we can do; and we are that group of people who are crazy enough to just believe it and bet our lives on it - day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.'
God will have His people - and I surely will be part of that heritage. And yes, I'd bet my life on any and all of His promises any day, any time, minus the few seconds of unbelief that manifests every now and then (yes, I know the man of my dreams is on his way and my provision is secured).
He either is God and all His Word is infallible - every last letter - or we can't trust any of it - including the birth, death, resurrection and ascension of Jesus - the very foundation of our salvation - and where does that really leave us? Bordering on the NO SOUP for you line with the other goats that have been weeded out of the herd.
He is the I AM. Plain and simple. And I love that, and trust that. He's the only faithful real man I've ever had (Monty's been eunuched so he can't count, sorry sweetie) and His Word is Truth. Hmm, time for that soup ;)
Peace!
La. Sra.
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