Transition

Rest.

What is that, really?

Can you have rest and be restless at the same time?

I'm in the midst of finding out. As much as I stand on solid rock I feel like its under a layer of sand. Little by little the sand keeps washing away and then piling back up again.

Every time I think I see a glimpse of the bedrock another wave comes and brings a new layer of sand.

There is so much more than this. I've seen it. I've tasted it. And in the blink of an eye its past my vision once again.

Provision is given, but so much more is promised. Scraping by has been my portion for far too long.

I'm sick of living in a way that chains me to things I hate, even if it is approved for me in this season. I know the lock is about to be blown away so I can flee and never look back and every day that its not frustrates me even more.

I lay down at night and take a deep breath, knowing with the next daybreak comes a life full of circular activities. The same route exercises leading to little joy and even less happiness. To lack an excitement for the beauty of a sunrise is not something I thought I'd ever know. As breathtaking as it is, the refreshment is quickly drained.

And yet, under all the sand is bedrock that will never be shaken. There is rest in that. Rest that the bills are taken care of. Rest that we are safe, healthy, and still laugh at the silliest of made up knock-knock jokes and eyes filled with mischief. Rest that even through the coming heartache and celebrations all provision shall be made.

But something has to shift - and soon. A dream - many dreams - deferred causes the heart to weaken. The Promises are on their way, faith and hope keep the dreams on life support, but also make the spirit groan and ache for their manifestation. When will 'more' become reality?

Rest mixed with restlessness. Its by far the shittiest place to be. I don't do it well. The last time I was here I had a driving force - a pitbull spirit that like an old, comfy pair of jeans, fit back on me perfectly and devoured many times the restlessness I did have.

I don't have that this time. These are new waters and I'm not learning to swim quick enough and its consuming my soul. I hate these trials. I'm not going to lie. Too many things being shaken and tossed at one time - and in a moment, a reminder from the Holy Spirit - God is shaking all that can be shaken - and its funny how that brings a wry smirk to my face.

Revelation. Wisdom. Understanding. The lifeblood and foundation for all things. The single element that brings peace - and with peace rest becomes possible. Maybe getting tossed in the water isn't such a bad thing after all. It wouldn't be the first - or third - time I've been told if you don't keep going you WILL die.

Things to learn. Processes not to forsake and hate. There is a purpose to the route madness, even if it is to minister to someone later. Maybe tomorrow won't be so agonizing after all.

And on that note - Now I lay me down to sleep - a rest in the Arms that hold me every night and place me in earshot of the Heartbeat that lulls my mind - my spirit - my body - to a Promised Rest.

La. Sra.