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So many words race through my spirit - I try to catch each one.

The message so simple, yet so impossible to teach, but the foundation for all that is to be won.

Words given, tossed away; questions answered, but willfulness remains.

My tongue be bound, the time has not arrived; but agonize when I watch the struggle each day and know I have the key.

So deep the depth of the knowledge unlocked, but who will be courageous enough to traverse this abyss?

A treasure so great it has no value, yet each man a repository of that wealth that shames the coffers of Solomon.

Another day, another heart cry. Another heartbreak for I just want to light the way.

©Kristen Garcia 10/10

One new, One old piece for your enjoyment

(Yet Untitled) 8-17-2010

Why is asking for genuine love like asking for the world? Is it so hard?

I want a love that is in the same vein as the love I give.

Is taking the time to truly know me - to know what makes me tick - to learn what small things bring me the greatest joy - and security - and act on what you learn so hard?

If it isn't, then why do you shove me into your pre-made mold of what I should be and enjoy? If not, then why do you throw my concerns back in my face when I try and broach the topic of what could be done to make me feel more loved and secure in us? Is your pride and ego really worth more than my trust?

Is it too hard to listen to my words and discern my heart and act on it?

If it isn't, then why do you shut down the minute I open my mouth to let you in on the most intimate thoughts and wishes of my heart and soul?

Don't say you don't. In your lack of words your clinched jaw, your breathing pattern, the tangible brick wall of your heart gives you away. That pain I can only handle so long before I back away. Don't think I don't know you that well.

Is it too hard for you to believe that I truly love you and no one else? You fear someone else will steal my gaze, when the truth is I choose on one but you.

Yet, you wonder why I shut down. Why I am silent when you ask my heart. Not only is the rejection tangible, but its hard to open up to someone who's spirit screams of wanting to flee and who's spirit exudes the sense of obligation rather than true love and desire.

Even when I do open up - why do you use my words against me later? Why can you not believe the validity of my words? Why do you laugh at some of the things I say? Are they so absurd to you that you cannot believe they come from the deepest parts of my being?

Why also do you run away when I try to pull the greatness that is in you to the surface? If you saw yourself the way I do, you would leap at the chance to come higher.

Yes, the demand and pull is great, but would I pull on you like that if I wasn't prepared and ready to nurture and do everything possible to see you succeed? Yet you run away.

I want to love you like no other before you. You are the one given to me - and yet - even if that was not already done I would still choose you to love. Why is that so hard to believe?

I want to lavish you with beautiful things and make the greatest memories with you, yet you reject what I give you because you cannot see that you are worth the expense - or worse - you suspect the motive. Have I ever given you a reason to worry? I will never change my mind regarding you.

I want so earnestly for you to truly love me.

For you to put away every preconceived notion you have of how you should love me and hear my heart through my words - see my soul in my deeds - and want to love me in a way where I can trust you the most intimate parts of my being.

It is in that place that we can be side by side, moving forward toward the beauty of the marriage that has been foretold since the foundations of the Earth.

I didn't die and rise to Glory for anything less than this.

Yes, I may be asking for the world - but it is because I have already bought the world with my Blood and placed it on your hand as a pledge of the marriage we will have once your willing to enter into it.

Do you dare say, 'I Do'?

©Kristen Garcia 8/10
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(Preface: I have been on the receiving end of the pain related to the greatest betrayal possible from a spouse, and on the giving end of forgiveness of that transgression and leaving an open door for them to come home to. That is only made possible because of the strength drawn from in the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, who, must extend that type of forgiveness with every sin we participate in. It is only drawing from that source that makes walking in love and forgiveness in the same way that Christ does with us even possible. Having been on the giving end of that, I translated it to what it looks like for us, as a Bride/Body, every day as one who betrays our Husband in our sins.)

The Story of Us All - 2-12-10

I turn the key and walk in, I can smell the sweet aroma of dinner.

You look over your shoulder from the stove and smile - a warm welcome.

I hurry to you and give you a quick kiss, hoping you can't tell.

But, even the smell of dinner cannot mask the smell of a man that is not you.

I hurry off to change, hoping to keep the evening moving along.

You call down the hall - dinner is done. Your voice's tone marked with a tinge of pain.

Dinner, a kiss, a long embrace, how can you not know by now?

But this is not the first time, nor the same lover - its become something of a sickly familiar routine.

But, it has been, what seems like forever since the last time. It is an improvement.

You never asked why and I'm not sure I could have an answer myself.

He wasn't a good lover - you know my body unlike any other.

His eyes didn't light up with anything but lust - no match for your tender passion.

He didn't even smell good - an old shirt of yours lays next to me when you're gone so I can sleep.

So why? I don't know. I never do.

Your friends warned you long ago - If she did it once, she will do it again - you simply said you loved me. They called you a fool.

And now, sitting across the table from you, I dare not see if that love still lingers in your eyes.

I hurriedly finish the meal - my favorite - and rush to leave, unable to bear my guilt and pain any longer.

But as I get up you reach for my hand, squeeze it gently, and let me go.

I retreat to the shower, hoping to at least get the smell of my lover out of my hair, my skin, my soul.

I look up from brushing my hair to see you in the doorway, watching me.

For the first time since I arrived our eyes meet; and yes - the love I have always known is still there.

You walk over and wrap your arms around me. You simply whisper 'I love you, my wife, my beautiful bride.'

My tears, my broken spirit, my weakened body say more in that moment than a simple 'I'm sorry,', no matter how sincere and genuine they would be.

There will be time enough for that later, but for now, I collapse into the arms of a fool, who, with all I have done to him, still loves me like the day we were married.

©Kristen Garcia 7/2010

Less me, more you

- He who saves his life will lose it and he who loses his life will gain it.

- Extend yourselves to honor each other above yourselves.

- They had all things in common and no one had any need - not just food, water, clothing, transportation - NO need of anything.

- Deny yourself and take up your cross and follow me.

- Serve one another in love.

- I your teacher and Lord have washed your feet.

- Love one another as I have loved you.

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We have yet to come to the end of ourselves.

We have hit a glass ceiling both in the manifestation of Holy Spirit power and finances that cannot be broken until we finally come to the end of ourselves.

If you find yourself saying:

- Oh, I don't do poopy diapers anymore, have fun!

Or

- Ummmm, I gotta run, but I bet so and so will do (enter 'nasty' job here).

Or

- I love you, but not that much to have done (enter task) for you.

Then we have yet to come to the end of ourselves and the life of self has yet to die - the end result of that being a lack of power and finances manifesting due to a lack of love.

Do you think it was easy for Jesus to kneel down and wash the grimy feet of the disciples? It was probably as nice as a poopy diaper - but he did it anyway.

When we all get to the point where there's pretty much nothing we wouldn't do for another - no matter how much time it costs us, or if it's poopy (literally or metaphorically), or how ucky or sweaty we might become - we will have met a major benchmark of love.

Jesus poured out every single drop of blood in His body for us and told us to do the same for each other.

But our selfishness - that which sent us out of the Garden - is capable of being killed, but we still cling to it like a binky.

If we find ourselves saying we don't have the time to help on many an occasion then perhaps a re-arrangement of our priorities is needed.

Turn the rapebox (aka tv) off. Find things that are not necessary to survive in your schedule and kill them.

Leave holes in each and every day possible so that you can be there in an instant - granted it may not be possible every day to do every day but make it more often than not.

And, God will bring you things to fill those moments. Perhaps no one needs you in those moments - they are then free to be praying and ministering as a priest to your God. Learn His word, yearn for the Fire to fall and baptize you.

Its easy to love when little demand is placed upon us - and as Paul said - even the Gentiles are capable of that.

But when we shirk back from even the idea that we could give ourselves to do wretched jobs for others, the poison of our treacherous, sinful, selfish selves is apparent and should be dealt with immediately.

We have the Order established. We have the passion of prayer and submission and fervor of desire to see the things come forth.

Add an additional depth of love, and perhaps our Holy Spirit and financial breakthrough will be just around the corner.

It is, indeed, the year of the Lord's release.

Peace,

La. Sra.

Waiting for the Concrete Patch to Cure

I am a Queen - one of the loveliest of all the Brides.

I am strong, endowed with a strength from a never-ending source - able to do the mightiest tasks with a gentle ease.

I am the conqueror of the world. My words are given the same weights as those of my King.

There are days I am acutely aware of my solitary status, but even in those days, I lay down in my bed at night knowing the Spirit of My Love was beside me every moment of that day and the ache is a little less sharp.

I am a ministering priest to the Ruler of the Universe - an amazing thing to think I could even bring the haze of the incense into His Outer Court, let alone the Holiest of Holies.

But even with the Brideship and the Priesthood my heart aches some days.

I was born a helpmate. To be the right hand of a man. To hold up and support and move forward the greatness of a man.

And the Priesthood and the Brideship are amazing, but yet, the longing for that season when I can come home and celebrate with the leader of my home the victories of the Lord for that day.

To be able to open some of the innermost places of my spirit and find agreement and an apostolic force to help build it in this realm.

To share a common vision and drive it prophetically into manifestation.

To know the rest of a wife and mother - not shouldering the four-part covering as I am currently.

To minister to a man the way I minister to God and see the increasing greatness therein.

To know the overflow of love in my heart the way I never thought possible by having faithful arms to hold my spirit and embrace its passions that I have held for so long - pursuing on my own for lack of a suitable partner.

In the stillness of some afternoons my heart aches for this fellowship of another. there is something to be said for the accompaniment of another human.

My King already knows my heart, my passions, my dreams. He reveals His Truth in His Word, but there still lies in my soul that ache to share with another human - a partner for all the days of my life - that piece that is still missing and that at times leaves a gaping hole to ache in my soul.

Is Jesus enough for me - absolutely yes - by and far - yes.

But as humans we were made and said that it was not good for us to be alone - and every now and then that small portion is brought to the surface from it's hiding place deep in my soul.

And perhaps one day that hole will finally be patched for good - and that ache will be a forgotten memory of the past.

Peace,
La. Sra.

A little slice of Heaven

. . . . Of Glory . . . . .

Unity is the key that ushers in greater power and indwelling of the Holy Spirit among a group of believers. There are times it is achieved on a low level and other times when it is palatable in the air.

Such was Sunday night at Southgate Church.

I had the pleasure of sitting up in the sound booth for the first hour of the service and the view was incredible. The initial rush of people into the sanctuary was incredible. There was almost a rush of wind carried in as a semi-orderly flow of people hurried to their seats.

It was a rare time that I have seen people cheering louder for Christ than they do for sporting events - the roar was almost deafening - as if amplified by angels that surrounded the place.

Unity brings in so many things that are not seen normally. Black, White, Interracial, Hispanic, maybe Asian - all in the same place, worshiping the same Jesus. Some from Indiana, some from Baltimore, some from Detroit, some from Georgia, some from Chicago, some from God only knows where.

We surely pulled down a small piece of Heaven that night. Anyone there can tell you. It was such a preview of the things to come.

One of my favorite parts of the few Healing Song services I have been to is near the 'afterset' where the 'kids' somehow take the stage, from toddler on up to mid-20s, and manage to take the mics.

The next revival has been prophesied to be greater than that at Azousa Street - mainly because the governmental structures are in place to continue its growth - something that was missing at Azousa.

And when I look at the 'kids', I see it. I see Apostle Coates and those near him; then under him - a second generation of leaders like Prophet Jeff and Pastor Ani and Apostle Mario - and then a third generation - including those like myself and the Luckeys down to Charelle and Gary Jr.

Add to that mix the children of April, Chantilly, myself and many more and you see a four-fold set-up of apostolic 'fathers' and 'sons'.

Rarely is something of that depth seen, with 'fathers' and 'sons' of this caliber. Lord, what are we about to see come down to Earth?

Unity can always go deeper, even among the first Apostles and Church unity was something that grew from the day of Pentecost forward.

The deeper we go, continuing to build the foundations and governmental structures among four generations so that when what will be given to us can be sustained forever, the closer we get to having the outpouring of signs, wonders and miracles in unseen fashion bestowed upon us.

It's coming. The atmosphere generated by members of dozens of church bodies in unity with one another at Healing Song is an encouragement that we are going in the right direction. We just need more of it and the continuation of a greater quality of what we tasted Sunday night.

It IS coming.

Peace,
La. Sra.

Heartbreaking lie

I have, in recent months, heard from the mouth of several Christians something along the lines of 'it is impossible to know the mind of God' and their tone is that if you claim to have insight on what He wants and that you speak in such a way that claims as much you are a heretic and are blaspheming.

And the more I hear this coming from people who do have a genuine love for Jesus the more I ache for them. It reminds me of the passage in Acts where the apostles go into a church formed after the scattering and ask what baptism they have had as believers and to the surprise of the apostles they have only had the baptism of John.

How much they were missing!!!!

But, even with only that baptism, deep down in their souls loved Jesus.

My ache turns into righteous indignation only when I try to present the scriptural basis for how we can know the Mind and Heart of God and they refuse to believe that those scriptures are real. They would prefer to live in a helpless world of wandering in the dark than gaining the freedom that is found in the Word.

It is an unsettling concept, one that carries great responsibility and weight, but one that frees us in a way that is indescribable.

And I begin to watch the naysayers closely, looking at every little detail in their relationships, and what I see is not surprising.

In many ways, we relate to others the way we relate to God. What we do is more telling than any words we could say. And the reflection of this mindset that we cannot begin to know the Mind of God is reflected in the superficiality of their relationships - and even some of the deeper relationships they have with others goes little past the surface.

Man man and Woman man - both made in the image of God. The Body is not referred to the Bride as a simple metaphor. We are modeled after the Trinity.

The Holy Spirit was not given just to empower us. No, the Holy Spirit is a counselor. That description of the Holy Spirit is one of the first ways Jesus described it as He told the 11 and others at His ascension to wait for it in Jerusalem.

And the greatest beauty and one of the most awe-inspiring things about the Holy Spirit is that the Holy Spirit searches the most inner reaches of God's own Heart and Mind. The Holy Spirit seeks that out of Him and counsels us - we creatures that are lower than angels and had to be bought with death.

The inner most things of His Heart and Mind are available to us through the Holy Spirit.

A GOOD husband doesn't hide is innermost being from his wife, just as she does not hide herself from a man that truly loves her. She is let in on his desires, on his wishes, on what drives him. She finishes his sentences. She knows when his heart hurts. She knows what his favorite meal is. She knows HIM - because he has let himself be open to a woman who was willing to learn.

It is the same with with God. The Holy Spirit is the vehicle to learn these things and so much more about Him - our Husband. Not a Husband like what most people understand a marriage to be - but for a willing Wife, the most glorious of intimacy is available to Her - which, as a woman I can say this - is the most important aspect of a marriage to a woman. We as the Bride are allowed unfettered access to our Husband's Heart and Mind as much as we are willing to drink it in.

They who say that this is heresy, blasphemy, reveal the state of their spirits and souls and makes plain the level of credence they give to the Holy Spirit and His role in our lives.

Those who reject that it is possible, when argument for it is made, would do well to long, hard look at their relationships and see how broken and superficial they really are. Because if we can't let God in through the counselor of His inner most thoughts, as believers, who can we truly let in?

Peace,
La. Sra.

Renewed desire . . .

It's been almost two years since I've posted on here. New home, new life, stronger faith and older babies.

For the most part I will most likely use this venue for new pieces and the occasional update on the family life.

I was thinking about Rich the other night. He always said he'd write the forward to any book I ever wrote. I almost wonder if he did it and left it somewhere. I'm sure his parents haven't moved things since he died, even though it will be 7 years come August. Someday the book will happen. He would be proud. God I do miss him, terribly some days.

My babies are now 4 and 2 and they amaze me every day. They minister to me in ways I never imagined possible.

I have so many things running through my head most days I want to get them down somewhere so they are not lost - so this may be a place where I end up dumping mentally, but for me, healing and revelation are found in the process - has happened that way for years - and perhaps people can find their own healing from my process.

It is late. I must be going, more possibly tomorrow.

La. Sra.